the way the world is set up, its no wonder people take their own lives. no one can tell me I dont try to find solice, no one can tell me that I dont make any and all attempts 2 help myself. when u live in a culture that views only physical illnesses as any importance its hard to cope and keep up with a world that demands happiness all the time. I do everything to try 2 find peace in my heart. But the only thing i ever find is an oh so desparate attempt 2 free myself, that altough I am still enslaved, I have convinced myself, had friends convince me, or psychiatrists convince me that whatever remedy they have is working. But deep down it is not. And in less than a month Ill be back to my old self.

i say these things because it saddens me that the world is so unfair. and i hope that those individuals who have set it up like this burn in hell. I havent done much self research, but it was brought 2 my attention a few days ago by a prof that there are drugs that can completely eliminate all feelings of depression. i mean literally wipe the human mind clean of past experiences in childhood, etc. that reinforce mental illness. one drug in particular is LSD. When used professionally it does wonders on the mentally ill. i forgot the name of the dr. who proposed this, but obviously he was some threat because he was thrown in jail and labeled by the president at that time as 'the most dangerous person'

it saddends me when I think about all the lost and wasted lives that could have made it had they got the help they needed. I think about a girl I used to know who went over the edge after being gang raped as a teenager. Where would she be had she gotten the help she desparately needed- certainly not a drug addict and schizaphrenic. I think about how much potential I would have had. how much i could have gotten done, and where i would be now. I am confident that w/out these inconvieneces i would have been more because as a child I was a prodigy. I try to find that person but it seems all the hurt and greif have pushed it out of my spirit. now here I am sitting here, depressed. i have an exam 2morrow and I cant even process anything right now. Im sick of ppl telling me bull shit advice like 'take deep breaths" or "go take a walk" WTF? i mean Im 27, dont you think Ive tried all that obvious nonesense advice. Dont trivialize my problems! the medicine i take may as well be water pills cuz they do little to nothing 4 me. this is the world we live in right? medications that dont or barely get you over that 'hump' psychiatrists givng dumb advice. friends and family with ridiculous expectations that, if they knew how it was, they themselves wouldnt be able to attain such things… by far? this doesnt just go for mentally ill. but cancer patients, HIV and AIDS patients. No doubt there is a cure for all of this. But so many lives are wasted away because of some conspiracy. My heart aches…


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