haha. i just spent an hour writing what was probably the most expressive blog that i have ever wrote. the words were flowing out of my mind and onto the blank, white, empty canvas like never before. i\'ve never before felt that i\'ve expressed myself in such a clear way. and just as i was rereading it, ofcourse my screen freezes. this was the most articulately worded blog that i\'ve ever written. very detailed, sad, however extremely explanitory of my current abyss of a life as well as all that encompasses it. i can\'t even begin to reenter that zone of clearly written expression of self as i have sat here and tried for quite a while now…so i will sum it up the old fahioned way….
i\'ve never once in my life tried so fucking hard to better myself as i did in the past 3 or 4 years. i gaiined confidence through therapy, homework, and "retraining my brain". i actually set goals, i thought of dreams, i dug deep and found motivation for the first time in my pathetic piece of shit life. i was for once looking forward and not backward, not standing still, falling, or soaked in self loathing. i had a purpose, and i was determined. i then moved to california with that same determination, so full of life and ready to take on the world and anything and everything in my way. than reality struck…in the form of many things. nothing would go my way. and that is not complaining or bitching. i have tried as hard as i fucking can for the whole 4 months that i have been here. every single fucking time that i finally (after a dozen or more hour long phone calls) seemed to get something accomplished…it would just blow up in my face as the state is in a financial crisis and as many experience over the phone…i was filled with so much fucking bullshit misinformation that it was slowly driving me crazy. i hit a mercedes and a taxi. both my fault b/c i was behind them, even though they slammed their brakes. but i know the law. FUCK THIS….TOO MUCH TO EXPLAIN….so i will take the trendy way out it seems, as everyone is doing this lately.
~empty, hollow, demonic shadows encompass me,
sinking lower and lower every waking moment.
came here seeking happiness and a need to be free,
no matter the effort, i can\'t escape this fucking torment.
~life is weighing me down,
so many expectations come out of nowhere.
stuck here at "home"…alone in this pit of dispair,
sick feelings of the past arise…can barely make a sound.
~sick of feeling like shit,
"oh, just get over it".
"everyone has thier highs and lows,
knock off the bitchin, you\'re movin too slow."
~nothing but a worthless bum who chews too much fucking gum.
my life is shit….."motivation", have you got some?
wanna pull the trigger and end my life.
just too afraid to live and too afraid to die.
~let it be known to the world though,
if i should dissapear tomorrow.
i went out fighting the hardest fight of my life,
something closed minds will never know.
~the sickest, most horrorific state of mind,
help me find my sanity, show me a sign.
deep down, i\'ve got what it takes to make it,
life has just buried me in my own pile of shit.
~maybe i\'m to blame for feeling insane, and living this life of shame,
need to get my head out of my ass real fast,
i\'ve got what i\'ve always wanted in life,
so i will continue to do what i think is right, and never cease to fight.