I wish I didn't always feel such hatred for myself and my life. I feel like I allowed my life to become one big mess. As a little girl I was always getting in trouble with my parents or at school.I really have never been able to have complete control of my actions or what I say. I do so many things on impulse and have so many regrets. Inhigh schoolIdrank and did drugs. I just wanted social acceptance and to be liked byeverybody. I created drama, most of timebynot being able to control my words and speaking on impulse. My friends werealways mad at me which I hated.Girls who didn't really know me and didn't care for me just thought I was slut, stupid, bitch etc.I was never good at making friends. I was always shy. I like to have people approach me first and strike up a conversation with me and then I relax and feel less anxious. My fiance always tells me just to talk to people. Easy for him to say he is social butterfly. He doesn't have these intense feelings of being anxious, being judged, and scared that I am going to make a fool of myself by perhaps saying something that sounds unintelligent. My parents were always disappointed in me and were excellent at letting me know what a fuck up I was. My mother and I would fight all the time even to this day. I always wanted a mother who was like my best friend. My mother will never be like that. She doesn't have the compassion towards me to be like that. My mother favors my younger brother and sister. I know parents say that they never love one child more than the next but thats bullshit. People always have someone that they are more fond of.I always care way to much whatpeoplethink of me. I hate going anywhere social and having people stare at me. I feel like they are making fun of the way I look, or making some other sort of harsh silent judgements about me. I have been told that I always have a dirty look on my face so it's easy for other girls just to call me a bitch. Since I am so shy girls also just assume I'm a bitch because I'm not outgoing enough to strike up a conversation of my own. I think because I always feel like people are out to get me, I myself have a hatred toward people and always point out other peoples flaws in an attempt to feel better about myself. I always like having someone else to talk meanly about becuase I feel like my whole life people have done the same to me so I can validate all my shit talking. I talk a big game but I have never beenable to stand up for myself or ever confront anyone about the way I feel about them. Iam just honestly scared shitless to tell people what I really feel and hateconfrentation despiteall that I have said thatcontradicts that. Sometime Ifeellike my friends don't have time for all myissues and just wouldn't understandor have any sympathy for what I go through ona dailybasis.I really hate myself for going to college for6 years and not having too much to show for it. I let partying, sadness, fear, anxiety and lack of motivation get in the way of actually attending class. As my brother and mother have both said, "shouldn't you be a doctor by now?" They are serious when they say comments such as that. It's no joking matter to them. My mother always makes me feel bad about not completing college and whenever I am down about my life or current job she just has to remind me of how bad I screwed up. I think once I started attending a university I let my social anxiety get in the way. I hated being called on by teachers in class or having to speak publically in front of peers. Whenever I have attended smaller community collegesI havedone better. Ifeel if I would haveattended a smallprivate college for theget go I would have the BA degree I have always wanted. Ifeel miserable about myself because I feel like everyone else I know has these BA and MastersDegree and their lives are goingto be so muchmore rewarding than mine and they will have a feelling of accomplishmentI haveyet to experience.I have been recently diagnosed as having adult add which probably explains why I am not a real go getter and have always procrastinated and lacked ambition to do a lot of things. I am not organized or prepared or ever on time…..the list goes on and on. I have social anxiety, depression, add, trouble sleeping, and body issues. I am also angry. I pick myself a partall the time.I never feel pretty or skinnyand feel inadequate compared tomost people. Thereis never a dayI can look in the mirror and be happy with the personlooking back at me. It's sodigusting. I have a crazy impulse shopping problem. Ithink I shopbecause I feel like having new clothes will somehow help my self image butthey never truely make me feelany better.I have so much aggression built up inside my body and I lash out at the people I love without a thought or even care. I love fighting for the sake of fighting because at least when I am fighting I feel something as opposed to feeling numb or empty. I hate being wrong and I am so stubborn and unaccepting. I never think before speaking and I hurt so many people. I also get hurt very easily hurt myself if someone says anything critical of me, even if it is in a helpful way. I feel resentful and feel once again like the world is out to get me. I get upset with my friends because I am not the center of attention is their world and get jealous when they pay attention to other people or gain other close friends that I do not approve of. I just wish I had one person who treated me like their everything and would want to be with me constantly becasue I hate being alone. I feel like everyone else in the world always has that someone who they can relate so well to, someone that is there everything, their true best friend. I always wish my friends would call me more and want to hang around me. I will never feel like I have someone like that because as people grow they have other things going on. I get that but I can't get my brain to understand. I hate my job because I have to be around a bunch of people who think I am freak because I am not social. Everyday I pray I never run into anyone other than the few select people I am comfortable enough to be around. I feel like I could simply stay at home all day everyday watching television and be okay with it. I work with children and I think I love children so much because they are not judgemental and always want to talk to me. They are the only group of individuals I do not feel scared around. I am on all this medication and I dont think any of it is working. I wish there was just a magical pill that would fix my whole life. I wish I was happy, healthy, skinny, pretty, had a great job and made a lot of money, had a good relationship with friends and family, and was social butterfly. Some of thesethings are stupid and I know that. I should be happy withthe person I am but thereis difference from knowing that and from thinkinglike that. My brain think and processes in fucked up ways I dont know how to control.I don't know how to be happywith myself, with others, or with my whole life in generaland that is what scares me the most. I don't know if I truely will ever be happy. This is my life.