I wish I didn't always feel such hatred for myself and my life. I feel like I allowed my life to become one big mess. As a little girl I was always getting in trouble with my parents or at school.I really have never been able to have complete control of my actions or what I say. I do so many things on impulse and have so many regrets. Inhigh schoolIdrank and did drugs. I just wanted social acceptance and to be liked byeverybody. I created drama, most of timebynot being able to control my words and speaking on impulse. My friends werealways mad at me which I hated.Girls who didn't really know me and didn't care for me just thought I was slut, stupid, bitch etc.I was never good at making friends. I was always shy. I like to have people approach me first and strike up a conversation with me and then I relax and feel less anxious. My fiance always tells me just to talk to people. Easy for him to say he is social butterfly. He doesn't have these intense feelings of being anxious, being judged, and scared that I am going to make a fool of myself by perhaps saying something that sounds unintelligent. My parents were always disappointed in me and were excellent at letting me know what a fuck up I was. My mother and I would fight all the time even to this day. I always wanted a mother who was like my best friend. My mother will never be like that. She doesn't have the compassion towards me to be like that. My mother favors my younger brother and sister. I know parents say that they never love one child more than the next but thats bullshit. People always have someone that they are more fond of.I always care way to much whatpeoplethink of me. I hate going anywhere social and having people stare at me. I feel like they are making fun of the way I look, or making some other sort of harsh silent judgements about me. I have been told that I always have a dirty look on my face so it's easy for other girls just to call me a bitch. Since I am so shy girls also just assume I'm a bitch because I'm not outgoing enough to strike up a conversation of my own. I think because I always feel like people are out to get me, I myself have a hatred toward people and always point out other peoples flaws in an attempt to feel better about myself. I always like having someone else to talk meanly about becuase I feel like my whole life people have done the same to me so I can validate all my shit talking. I talk a big game but I have never beenable to stand up for myself or ever confront anyone about the way I feel about them. Iam just honestly scared shitless to tell people what I really feel and hateconfrentation despiteall that I have said thatcontradicts that. Sometime Ifeellike my friends don't have time for all myissues and just wouldn't understandor have any sympathy for what I go through ona dailybasis.I really hate myself for going to college for6 years and not having too much to show for it. I let partying, sadness, fear, anxiety and lack of motivation get in the way of actually attending class. As my brother and mother have both said, "shouldn't you be a doctor by now?" They are serious when they say comments such as that. It's no joking matter to them. My mother always makes me feel bad about not completing college and whenever I am down about my life or current job she just has to remind me of how bad I screwed up. I think once I started attending a university I let my social anxiety get in the way. I hated being called on by teachers in class or having to speak publically in front of peers. Whenever I have attended smaller community collegesI havedone better. Ifeel if I would haveattended a smallprivate college for theget go I would have the BA degree I have always wanted. Ifeel miserable about myself because I feel like everyone else I know has these BA and MastersDegree and their lives are goingto be so muchmore rewarding than mine and they will have a feelling of accomplishmentI haveyet to experience.I have been recently diagnosed as having adult add which probably explains why I am not a real go getter and have always procrastinated and lacked ambition to do a lot of things. I am not organized or prepared or ever on time…..the list goes on and on. I have social anxiety, depression, add, trouble sleeping, and body issues. I am also angry. I pick myself a partall the time.I never feel pretty or skinnyand feel inadequate compared tomost people. Thereis never a dayI can look in the mirror and be happy with the personlooking back at me. It's sodigusting. I have a crazy impulse shopping problem. Ithink I shopbecause I feel like having new clothes will somehow help my self image butthey never truely make me feelany better.I have so much aggression built up inside my body and I lash out at the people I love without a thought or even care. I love fighting for the sake of fighting because at least when I am fighting I feel something as opposed to feeling numb or empty. I hate being wrong and I am so stubborn and unaccepting. I never think before speaking and I hurt so many people. I also get hurt very easily hurt myself if someone says anything critical of me, even if it is in a helpful way. I feel resentful and feel once again like the world is out to get me. I get upset with my friends because I am not the center of attention is their world and get jealous when they pay attention to other people or gain other close friends that I do not approve of. I just wish I had one person who treated me like their everything and would want to be with me constantly becasue I hate being alone. I feel like everyone else in the world always has that someone who they can relate so well to, someone that is there everything, their true best friend. I always wish my friends would call me more and want to hang around me. I will never feel like I have someone like that because as people grow they have other things going on. I get that but I can't get my brain to understand. I hate my job because I have to be around a bunch of people who think I am freak because I am not social. Everyday I pray I never run into anyone other than the few select people I am comfortable enough to be around. I feel like I could simply stay at home all day everyday watching television and be okay with it. I work with children and I think I love children so much because they are not judgemental and always want to talk to me. They are the only group of individuals I do not feel scared around. I am on all this medication and I dont think any of it is working. I wish there was just a magical pill that would fix my whole life. I wish I was happy, healthy, skinny, pretty, had a great job and made a lot of money, had a good relationship with friends and family, and was social butterfly. Some of thesethings are stupid and I know that. I should be happy withthe person I am but thereis difference from knowing that and from thinkinglike that. My brain think and processes in fucked up ways I dont know how to control.I don't know how to be happywith myself, with others, or with my whole life in generaland that is what scares me the most. I don't know if I truely will ever be happy. This is my life.

2 Comments
  1. Ellowynne 8 years ago

    Just a suggestion: search out Teal Scott on YouTube, she's also on some of the Spirit Channel vids.  I just got her book, and it is like some enormous light bulb went off in a hundred directions from my little brain… like, ohhh…  hmmmm.  wow…  ok, then, makes real sense, for a change, I can use this info, this is good stuff, actually she is a very real Gift that I am just offering if you really want to be in a better place, physically, mentally and emotionally.  All of that depends on where you are in a "foundation" – a place to build from.  I suggest that if you have a spirituality that is based on a kind and loving benevolent Creator, you're doing pretty good.  But either way, try to get a copy of this book.  Teal Scott is a visionary and every single thing she says changes everything.  Coming from someone like me that has seen it all, done it all, and managed to survive, having a spiritual connection to my Source is all I want in life, and the love and acceptance, my own inherent worth is always there, and always was.  No one can take it from you.  When you don't feel good about something or someone, it's because they are not supposed to be in your journey.  When you feel good about something, then it is easy effortless and no doubt bliss.  You lose track of time when you do it.  yet afterwards, there is art, or peace or beauty or expression of some sort to show for it…   Find your bliss, my sweet, it is your right and your only purpose to be here.  It is not your job to fix anything or anybody.  All you can do is learn/practice to re-focus your thoughts from negative cycled like a laser of intense power to the alternative, the dream the hope that you believe in your heart is yours to have, and was all along.  Everything in this universe has come from a thought.  Maybe you might start with that.  Just sit under a tree and just "be" for a while.  It's a lot harder than it sounds.   hahahaha  Good luck, hope we can be friends…  Ell

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  2. Nobodysprince 8 years ago

    Skydd, when i read what you wrote tears started running down my face. Thats me. Everthing you wrote is how i feel. I mean its like you wrote that about me. I thought i was the only one. I’m 43 been feeling worthless since i was 5. I’m on depression and add meds. Seems like They dont work much. Some of them make me feel worse im on cymbalta now and i feelreally close to pulling a Cobain.Being older than you i’ve had more time to self destruct and ruin relationships. I’ve kept all friends and family at such a distace not letting anyone in that they forget about me. I hate it when people tell me to just read this or just do it it’ll be ok. Most people dont have clue how we feel about that stuff. My wife tells me i have a mean look on my face too, i dont do it on pourpose. I’m a lost cause. I’ve been this way most of my life, but  I know someone will fix you soon.

     

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