I absolutely hate blanket thank yous… But thanks to everyone who's left me picture/blog/guestbook comments in the past few weeks.  I can't remember who I originally thanked and who I missed.

So… Thank you all. 

In other news… life still sucks but at least I don't have any family get togethers left to plan and attend.  Just a late lunch tomorrow with my parents and an aunt (as usual, I'm the only 'kid' who can make it so I'm standing in for all my siblings as well…) and then I'm pretty much in the clear until later in January for a birthday party gathering.

I have to say… the past two weeks were just hell.  Everytime I turned around I felt like throwing my hands up and being done with everything. 

I'm still… annoyed with my siblings, and my father… but there isn't much I can do with any of them to change how they view me, or how they answer my questions about going out.  So… this is bad, but I've come to the conclusion that for now… fuck them.  My siblings all say no when I want to do things so I'm just going to put space between us and hopefully I will do things on my own.  Hopefully only because I know I can do things… I just feel odd about being all by myself doing them.  I'm not scared or anxious to… I just like not being all alone all the time.

As for my father… I can't change how he is.  Until something earth shattering happens to him concerning his drinking… I'm just stuck with it.  I'm stuck picking him and the car up from the bar… I'm stuck with him being angry and/loud.  I'm stuck hiding in my room waiting for him to go to bed.  He isn't physically abusive… but the verbal abuse is just as bad.  Is it any wonder I turned out this way? 

I hang out with my mom alot so I am always hearing stories about her childhood, and bits about my fathers… but my favorites are the stories she tells me about my own.  The little things that make me smile, because I remember them or they just are so… me.  But every once in awhile when she tells me about things that happened in my past… All I end up thinking is 'no wonder'… No wonder I'm overly shy, or that I get stuck in life and just stay put. 

An older cousin on my dad's side was visiting when I was learning to walk… He used to push me down.  So when I stopped trying my mom started wondering what had happened.  She finally saw the little shit do it and, after wagging her finger at him, had to help me start again.

When we went to Guatemala before I turned two I seemed to have shown signs of some of this… She would carry me around the markets and such, and I just would get overwhelmed by all the sights and sounds… espeically the different language.  I would close my eyes and lay my head on her shoulder and suck my thumb.  She would talk to me and point out things she knew I would like to see, but after peeking out to see what she was talking about I would go back to 'hiding' against her neck with my eyes closed.

I think that is about the earliest signs of what was to come.  I know I've always been shy… painfully sometimes depending on who I was around… But I didn't really think it was a big thing until I started being around lots of kids my own age.  It was just an eye opener I guess.  It sucks how much of the stuff, especially that I remember happening, stays with me.  I can't let it go.  I never was able to shake things off.  All of these memories, and all I have wanted to do was say something… tell the people around me to stop being angry, or pitying me… to stop treating me badly because they helped me become who I am today. 

The thing that sticks in my mind as a reason to remain a loner… is that if I can't trust my family, the people who have to love me and have known me since I was a cute little girl, not to hurt me… how am I ever going to be able to put trust in others?  Finding someone to look past my problems(physical & mental)… is really hard.  And when those people do come around it seems like I really do find ways to ruin it before it can ever begin.

Yep… so this is where my minds been the last few weeks… I know it's a new year… so I'm going to try… but I needed to type it out.  Put it out there so that it wasn't stuck in my head.

1 Comment
  1. sonne63 14 years ago

    Writing about how we feel helps. That is what I have found out, and I am glad that we have sites like this to communicate our experiences. It kind of sucks to do things by yourself. I have been alone so long, that I really don't remember the last time I had an outing with someone other than the person I live with. If it helps, matinee movies are good alone and trips to the museum. Even eating out alone can be relaxing, but I hear you, sharing your fun is most of the fun. I am sorry you have gone through and are going through so much pain. I don't necessarily believe in a God, but I do believe in prayer – whatever I mean by that! So, my prayers are with you to work your way through this pain to a brigher place. Be strong, and I hope you and peace find each other.  

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