I know I haven't been on in awhile, so I wanted to leave an FYI for all those worrying.

A week ago today my stepdad had a massive stroke. He's still with us, but is in Intensive Care still as his situation has gone from bad to worse.

He had a blood vessel break open in the middle of his brain (which made it inoperable coupled with the fact he's on blood-thinners) and it took them over 24 hours to thicken his blood enough to completely stop the bleeding.

Sometimes he's with us, most of the time he's not. Due to being bedridden he's developed pnuemonia in both lungs, and the part of his brain that regulates breathing, heartbeat, blood pressure and other involuntary but necessary functions has been damaged as well.

Things do not look promising.

But I'm praying that he either starts to heal and can lead a fulfilling life still or can let go and pass quietly and peacefully in his sleep.

I'll probably check my site once a week or so.

I'm really struggling with this. When I was a young girl (7 or so) I lived with my grandmother while she lost her horrible battle with lung cancer. A few years later, I watched my grandfather succumb to colon cancer. Both were terrible, long drawn out miseries for them, not to mention for those of us who loved them.

Every time I walk into that hospital room and see his slack face, his blank stare at most times, the rattling and choking breathing- the loss just hits me like a ton of bricks. I want to be ill just thinking about it.

My son needs me, as do my Mom and my husband and family. I can't afford to be a basketcase, but every morning I find it a little harder to drag myself out of bed. I forget to eat, take meds, shower even. I know that sounds disgusting, but I'm so focused on keeping everyone else okay that I'm not taking care of me. If this isn't going to end or stabilize soon I'm going to absolutely lose my mind if I don't start taking care of myself too.

I just don't know how to do it.

Wish us all luck.

~violin