Hello. I haven't been around in a very long time. The reason I came back is because I feel very sad tonite. I came back because of my friends here, who always make me feel whole again. Because I love them.
To the average observer, it looks like the world is in a bit of a mess, all around. That's putting it mildly… the American people just want to survive these days, but our "gov't" doesn't seem to be on the same page, at all… The videos on YouTube are so unimaginable. I have so many new contacts I've made through medical sites, nutrition sites, self-defense sites, but honestly sometimes I have to put all the serious crap aside and just do something I enjoy. Sometimes that's hard to remember… Sometimes I just have to get off the videos, log off the facebook, forget the rescues, forget the hungry kids, forget the crime and corruption, forget the angry city kids who have no future as they are… I can hold out my arms, but nobody comes running… it's just a fantasy, I need the hug worse than I need to give one, I guess… I abandoned my blogs here, twice now, because I needed to break free from reading about hopeless feelings, heartbreaking disease, broken relationships and all the things that make us depressed. But I always come back, sooner or later, because here I find compassion, understanding, and no judgement, well… save and except for a couple of bad nuts in the jar.. hehe well, I wish them only peace, God save us all…
I used to worry about my own personal dramas, my personal problems. I don't anymore. I worry about the world. I worry about the UK, about my sweetest sister who lives there, what will she do, where will she go, what if everything goes belly-up and I can't get to her, how will I deal with that… How about my kid in Asia… she called me this morning scared to death from waking up to another earthquake! She's okay I guess, haven't heard anything since that… And I always think about my girl in Oklahoma, she's always so kind, so giving, so sweet in her heart… she always accepts me, however I come, because she knows, she's real, authentic… Everytime I hear of another bad storm, my mind goes to her, wondering if she's okay. I used to have a friend here, she seemed authentic, but she wasn't. She had scars so deep, nobody could climb the walls of the fortress she built around her heart. And as she always foretold, her bad temper and harsh mouth ended our relationship so unexpectedly one day… One day I offered this girl my whole life, on a platter, because I was getting older, with no kids, and I wanted her to have it all… but there were no kind words for me, no "don't worry" or "I'll always be there for you regardless" – nope. It was two days later that she broke off our conversations, our mail, our friendship, so easy for her… but you know what? it's all okay. I don't worry about what people think too much anymore. I have my work, the things I do to help others, I don't judge them based on their income, or lack thereof, I don't make them qualify themselves before I act on their behalf, I just do what's required, and then I pray like hell, that they'll be okay… we never know… and that's the thing… some people can ride the middle of the road, no problem, always finding the safe place, but not me, oh no…. I have to hit the wall from one extreme to the other, over and over again. From the fierce lady warrior who will defend her people against anything, to the sad and depressed girl with the ear-buds on, jammin in the corner of the coffee-house, buried up to her eyeballs in books and caffeine. I study medical journals almost day and night, scanning research documents, trying to find answers for all that is killing us… and I see the answers, and they don't lie in pills, magic bullets to cure the symptom. It's the underlying root of the problem we have to aim for first, and more and more, I think the country I love so much may not be the place for me to stay. I've been many places in my 50 plus years, and no place feels like home as much as the US. But what's happening here is just a reflection of the horror and brutality, pure evil cruelty we've inflicted all over the world with our war machines. Our own boys, indoctrinated into killing machines themselves, that's not us doing that, that's our evil government machine gone insane.. and what bugs me the most is how nobody seems to notice or care, everyone just keeps watching their tv's, eating their narcotics and brain blankets, deadening ourselves and our feelings, so it won't hurt so much. But it doesn't solve the problem. Until Americans band together again, stand behind our Constitution and our oaths to first do no harm… until we look these deceivers straight in the eyes and say NO MORE, only then will the insanity meet its end. It may get a lot worse before it ever gets better, if that is even possible anymore. Sometimes I think I am going to take every cent I have out of the bank, clean out every account I've worked my life to save, and take the first flight I can get to the most remote forest in the most remote country, as far from any city as possible, off the grid completely, and build a place to lay down my head, until all the killing and all the shouting, all the negative energy that seems to be taking over the earth, subsides. Even the Earth seems sick and upset, and so she should. I will never pay another cent for anything plastic, I will never buy another plastic package of animal parts, to eat… I will always read everything before I buy it, I will know the companies that produce it, and I will always use my voice when something needs to be heard. I have no fear of reprisals. So what, is there anything worse that anyone can do to me or mine? I don't think so. Maybe it's only a 3 am rant, and maybe tomorrow I will be feeling more complacent than frantic.
For now, it is enough to come back here and see my old friends, Crystal in the north city, Saphyrre in the redlands, Summer in the old country, and more friends than I have a right to have… You are all wonderful people. Don't ever think your depression is a sign of weakness.. It just means you've been carrying a tremendous load for far too long, I suspect. Being kind is not a weakness. Being smart is the best idea.
Mostly, I pray that someday, much sooner than later, a brilliant young man or woman, more courageous than a hundred roaring lions, and more ferocious than a thundering herd of elephants, will come forward through all the fog of repression, deceit and malcontent, and find a way to lead America out of this insanity that's been created. I am waiting… I know you're there.
Neither one of the two guys sitting pretty, again, to be our President, deserves the office, in my humble opinion. We need a real leader of the real people. Long ago, the majority of the people were no longer represented by the gov't. And we did nothing. We kept quiet. We pretended not to notice and just kept working, kept hoping things would get better, and they didn't. There are entire families walking the streets of any major city in the US you want to choose, because they no longer have anywhere to go. The money keeps getting printed, and our lives continue to devalue as well. Since when do Americans sit back and let crap like this continue until we've reached the point of no return. With Fema camps, Fema caskets, and more and more police firing on civilians every single day, killing our pets, destroying our gardens, and greed and corruption exposed in every sector of corporate business and gov't, where do we go? I go here.
It doesn't matter if I have 2 million dollars in the bank or if I was broke three days ago, and still have the rest of the month to survive on nothing… it doesn't matter. I am you, and you are me. We are all in this world together. I can promise you, we will all have to grow up, get our act together in a major way, or sit back and watch the whole party disappear down the drain, and I'm not ready to do that.
Thanks for being here, where I can always find you. Thanks for waiting patiently, while I find myself, while I pound my fists in fury at the injustice of it all. Oh yes, words are easy. But what will I do tomorrow? I do not know that answer. For now, I am going to turn off the lite beside me, I'm going to grab hold of my sweet old blind terrier, and we are gonna snuggle what's left of this nite away… hope your day is blessed tomorrow, but I also hope that you awake with eyes wide open, take care of yourself, be smart and always always fight for peace in this world. Not with guns, not with hate, but fight for peace with love. It is the absolute only way to make it better. So good nite, my old friends, sleep in peace. I love you all. Always.