I've been struggling with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and ADHD basically my whole life. It seems like lately everything has been getting worse and worse.

Not too sure why either, I started working on my PHD in neurobiology/neuroscience at Yale Medical in the fall. I'd say that getting here is quite an accomplishment for me. I shouldn't really care what people say, should I? Most of the people who put me down are stuck in the same ditch they dug 10 years ago.

My Dad throws the biggest problems at me. He doesn't support me getting my education. When I got my acceptance letter from Yale he told me if I wanted to be a part of his family I had to drop out of school and get married and have kids, because thats where women belong. I know I shouldn't let his views bother me, he was raised in that kind of environment. But it still sucks that I don't have the support of my parents.

I haven't talked to my mom in about 7 years, ever since I turned 18 and she could no longer use me to get money from the government. I got a birthday card from her a few years ago, she thought I was still 16. My aunt (her sister) says, "That's just the way she is". Maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but I don't think that's a good enough excuse to abandon your children for drugs. I'm pretty sure if I were to pass her in the street tomorrow, she wouldn't have any idea who I am.

When I was 13 my uncle molested me, I told my parents and they ignored it and still allowed my uncle to visit. When they got fed up with me crying about it, they kicked me out. I was 14 when I was on my own. To this day, no one believes me about it. My dad has even hired shrinks to "change my mind", and now I'm unsure if half of those diagnosis are real.

I've never had friends, all my life people made fun of me for being "that weird kid in the dirty clothes", Even now, at 25, the only friends I feel like I have are people I've met through online computer games. And I'm not even sure they really like me all that much either.

I've never had a serious relationship. I've dated boys and I've dated girls, and I felt no attraction to any of them. Some may say there was just no "spark".

Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if I had just one friend I could talk to. I've never known that kind of closeness. The closest I've gotten to sharing my secrets with someone is posting this anonymous blog.

3 Comments
  1. marie2408 8 years ago

     I am very sorry to hear your story, but at the same time, just the fact that you were willing to post such feelings is wonderful! I also left home at the age of 14, partly because of a similar abuse incident involving a family member who lived in my own home, and also because my mother had just passed away and my father made no effort to keep the remaining 3 children living at home seriously…he just gave up.

    I also grew up in a very traditional household where all I was "raised for" was to be a mom and wife. I did go to college, but struggled since bad choices on my part made a teen mom of me. My father could have cared less about the fact that I was struggling with work, college, and a kid. So I made things worse by marrying my kids dad. That ended after 10 years of depression and abuse. I moved, tried changing my career and have found myself back to a family life again…which don't get me wrong, I love, but at the same time it has greatly comprimised my career and feelings personal worthiness.

    Having no family support is rough, to this day I still morn the fact that my parents and siblings never call, write, or care to even acknowledge my existance. I am jealous of others whose parents are loving and contact them on a regular basis. 

    Friends, the few real ones that I have found, are the only people who have stuck with me and at least try to make me feel better. I love my family,but the lonliness I think is unshakable.

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  2. ancientgeekcrone 8 years ago

     This is a large amount of baggage and you still got pretty far. Don't stop now.All through history we have been treated like chattel, brainless babymaking machines, etc, etc. Why should your father have a diferent attitude. The 2nd class status of women benefitted ment like your father. So you came from a dysfunctional family. That doesn't have to be your destiny. You are a woman, you are stroong. Society would never have made it without us! Chin up soldier on, you are WOMAN!

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  3. eefahstar 8 years ago

     This is the first post I have written on this site. Sometimes, if you find it easy to build relationships or not, it is easier to talk to the person with no face – the online forum. That way, the judgement doesn't seem personal, the fear of regection somehow decreased. I suppose I am really talking about my own reasons for being on this site, but it may reassure you that others are out there….

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