I’ve always found it funny how one decision, no matter how small it may initially feel,can create a domino effect that changes everything you thought you knew about yourself. My own personal domino effect started about five months ago,  when I decided to leave my job of 3.5 years - I was a nanny while trying to    complete my degree, and in August, I did. During my last semester and last few months at my job, I started to realize things about myself that I now see I    suppressed for years. Within 3 months, I left my job, a job I loved and miss so much, graduated college and came out to myself.

That is something I haven’t acknowledged outside of my mind and journal. The   way I saw and identified drastically changed, and I was, and if I am being     honest, still am feeling so lost about. Not any-one thing specifically, just   life in general. I am still looking for a new job so that dual degree's getting great use and I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about how I am feeling,   because then I would have to come out to them. 

I don’t want to not come out to them because I’m scared (though if we are being honest, I am terrified about my friends and family’s reaction more than telling them, if that even makes sense), or embarrassed because I’m not at all. It’s because I don’t know how I am identifying, I just know I am not straight and I know if I come out they will have questions and I don’t have the answers, yet. Can’t I just one day show up with someone I like and that be enough?! If only  it was that “easy.”

I will be in the middle of conversations with friends and family, and feel     myself detaching from the people and the conversation and get an overwhelming  urge to blurt out “IM NOT STRAIGHT!” Though it would make my life easier because I would no longer feel I am hiding such a large part of me to the people I love most, I panic, retreat and try not to open my mouth because I’m scared it will just come out, as if it has a mind of its own. It's a strange feeling to know you are surrounded by the people you love most and have known your entire life, yet they don’t truly know the real you. They don’t understand you, even though they think they do. It’s lonely.

It’s lonely, so that is why I am so happy I found this site because I will have the ability to express my feelings and talk to people that have experienced/  feel similar things. I need to talk things out with people, I need and want to hear other people’s opinions before making decisions, it's a double-edged sword, but not being able to talk to anyone about this is so strange and honestly, becomes debilitating in a way. I can’t stop thinking about my “little secret.” I can’t stop thinking about girls, and how it has completely changed my life, and how it will continue to change my life as I continue to learn more about this part of me, just knowing I’m not straight, it is All. I. Can. Think. About. It consumes me, and ... I love it.

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