I’m not allowed to date until next year. And yet I have a boy who is mine. He deserves better than me, I know that, because sometimes I can’t feel. Usually I can’t feel. Quite like a brainless organism, existing but nothing else. I am here but I’m not. And then, last Friday, I was, but it wasn’t how I remembered. I was cuddling with A and it felt… it felt real. I don’t know how else to explain it. And then I had to go and screw it all up. I started laughing at something small and inconsequential, but I couldn’t stop. I choked on air and cried until I sobbed in my friend’s basement in front of my boyfriend. It was embarrassing and I wanted to die. But then he was hugging me and he wasn’t letting go and, for a fleeting second, I let myself feel. I don’t know how he could love me even though I feel nothing and am nothing and had a literal mental breakdown right in front of him. But he is perfect. He doesn’t deserve a brainless organism. But I can’t leave him, and he will never leave me.

3 Comments
  1. real910 2 years ago

    Feeling…no feelings is normal, I actually went through this myself. You close off all of your feelings because that seems the right thing to do and also the safest. What I did to ‘feel’ again was practice being open and speaking my mind everyday, alongside meditation. The more I was able to speak about how I truly felt and express my thoughts and emotions, the more in tune I became with them, and in turn the more comfortable I felt with them. Don’t worry! You don’t look as bad or as mental as you think!

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  2. anna101 2 years ago

    Please try. Try ur best to keep it together especially for people who love u. And also because inside us all is this super strong person who can pick us from the worst days and take us to some of our best. We r WAY stronger than we believe. Take a day iff and start fresh. One day at a time..one step at a time

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  3. ocdrebel 2 years ago

    Your not unusual. I can’t feel after 35 years. The only thing I seem to feel is the negative feelings-fear, anxiety, and depression. I wish I could feel more and connect with others. Combine this with being highly sensitive(can’t stand being touched, odors, loud sounds, or bright libhts) and I have a really tough time.

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