I’m not allowed to date until next year. And yet I have a boy who is mine. He deserves better than me, I know that, because sometimes I can’t feel. Usually I can’t feel. Quite like a brainless organism, existing but nothing else. I am here but I’m not. And then, last Friday, I was, but it wasn’t how I remembered. I was cuddling with A and it felt… it felt real. I don’t know how else to explain it. And then I had to go and screw it all up. I started laughing at something small and inconsequential, but I couldn’t stop. I choked on air and cried until I sobbed in my friend’s basement in front of my boyfriend. It was embarrassing and I wanted to die. But then he was hugging me and he wasn’t letting go and, for a fleeting second, I let myself feel. I don’t know how he could love me even though I feel nothing and am nothing and had a literal mental breakdown right in front of him. But he is perfect. He doesn’t deserve a brainless organism. But I can’t leave him, and he will never leave me.
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The story of how I got to the messed up state I am in
codenamespivey, , Depression, Addiction, Bipolar, Depression, Relationships, Self Esteem, Suicide, 0
Well, this being my first blog/journal I figured I might as well go on and explain why I am...
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I pinched myself and I am still here.
Germane, , Depression, Anxiety, Career, Depression, 0
My older sister has MS, and she fell down two weeks ago and broke her ankle. She is non-weight...
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Thoughts
onelyric, , Depression, Anxiety, Schizophrenia, 1
I woke today with a dream that had me crying and I wondered how this world could invade the...
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Browsing and pondering (very scattered)
AloneForever, , Depression, Anger, Child, Depression, Forgiveness, Religion, Schizophrenia, Sleep Disorders, Stress, 0
Depression lowers the immune system and is linked to cancer. Unforgiveness is also linked to cancer so forgiveness is...
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Day by day
xoxsmuffinxox, , Depression, 0
I really want to write something, like i have this urge that i NEED to write something. I am...
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Annnnd I mess up again!
Ghostgirl, , Depression, Anger, Personality Disorder, Relationships, Stress, 0
So things are kinda messed up right now. After the new guy (NG) disappeared, I did some digging and...
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One of those days..
sadjac, , Depression, Sleep Disorders, 0
Today was definatly one of THOSE days. One of those days where it would have been better to stay...
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Morning Darkness
xillah, , Depression, Anxiety, Depression, Relationships, Stress, 0
I had a day off yesterday, but it wasn't a relaxing one. The night before, I told DH that...
Feeling…no feelings is normal, I actually went through this myself. You close off all of your feelings because that seems the right thing to do and also the safest. What I did to ‘feel’ again was practice being open and speaking my mind everyday, alongside meditation. The more I was able to speak about how I truly felt and express my thoughts and emotions, the more in tune I became with them, and in turn the more comfortable I felt with them. Don’t worry! You don’t look as bad or as mental as you think!
Please try. Try ur best to keep it together especially for people who love u. And also because inside us all is this super strong person who can pick us from the worst days and take us to some of our best. We r WAY stronger than we believe. Take a day iff and start fresh. One day at a time..one step at a time
Your not unusual. I can’t feel after 35 years. The only thing I seem to feel is the negative feelings-fear, anxiety, and depression. I wish I could feel more and connect with others. Combine this with being highly sensitive(can’t stand being touched, odors, loud sounds, or bright libhts) and I have a really tough time.