Lucky Man : The Verve

its been a while since i wrote last; been on abit of an emotional rollacoster, eveything with matt has been fine- we did have a little fall out, but only becasue he messed up a little bit & refused to see that his actions upset me, but we sorted it all out & have growen from it. its 5 months since it all started so one little argument is pretty good i feel! I still havent said "I love you" to matt, & i wont for a long while yet i dont think; becasue i need to know its really love this time. no rushing & saying it just because i want to hear it back 🙂

life at home has been somewhat difficult, as usual.  my sister had her abortion at 9weeks, i personally am Pro-Life (exept in situations such as rape or incest, or that the birth/ continued pregnacy could risk the life of the mother.) & its caused a massive strain in the family. my step mum & dad have had ALOT of issues recently, and my step mum even considered a divorce. the idea of it is a mixture of fear & hope. Fear of what it would do to my dad; what it would do to me. & hope becasue the shit my step mum & step sister have casue in our lives has been catastrophic.

i got really down today because i went shopping for boarding shorts to cover my scars for my holiday in 2 weeks, but i was going to brave it & try & by some mid-thigh shorts, so i dont look like a stumpy legged boy. But it just made me feel really down & hate my self. it made me so angry that i had to get to the point that i mutilated my self, that i took away my own chance of having confidance. I dont think my family understands how crappy i feel at the moment about myself. but they never have, so why should they now? i feel like my family have no interest in my pain. i supose they dont; i know they dont. & that hurts. ive been there for them everyday, all day. ive given & given so much, & had bugger all in return. & they wonder why i spent most of my younger teenage years in the grip of a short temper. They only see what they want to see. I will never have any depth to them.

i wish some one just knew me. understood me completley. matt tries but he could never understand the things that self harming does to your head.

dispite the regret that will ensue i want to cut.

i want to cut badly.

really really badly. i want to cry even more.

I want to be numb to everything