I see writing as a great outlet for my thoughts and feeling but also as a dangerous portal to the truth. Most of the time I feel alone – as though even if I talk to someone about my feelings, they are only half listening. They hear what I say but either don’t care or don’t understand so them it’s just words but to me it’s a cry for saying "Please listen to what I’m saying and do something to help before things get worse." I know that if someone came across this post, the words I have taken the time to write might take on new meaning than the verbal form and actually form this dangerous truth that I’m sure would be over exaggerated and still become something it’s not.
I could shorten my feelings at this moment to a very simple statement: I’m unhappy. Sure I have my moments when I’m happy and things are going great, but those moments are short-lived and only short-term. The long-term includes stress, anixety, sadness. I often find myself crying, which of course my husband just ends up poking fun at – I think he just assumes I’m being emotional and dramatic. Even writing that thought down makes me cry! Why can’t I ever be taken seriously!? I’m a smart girl and I know when something is not right and this is not right! I’m not normally overly moody, dramatic, emotional or anything else an observer may label me as. I’m afraid if I talk to a "professional" they would go one step further and label me as a manic depressive or whatever other psychological term they think I fit the description of – that of course would only lead to excessive "treatments" and medication that I don’t need. All I want is someone who can be supportive and patient with me without labeling me as anything! My friends are there – but again, they are like my husband and only half listen to anything I say so I just stop expressing my true feelings to anyone. I’m not even sure what I’m writing this moment makes sense.
All-in-all, I know I have some sort of problem so rather than relying on anyone else to help (since clearly that only increases my frustration, anixety and disappointment) I’m going to help myself. Writing this blog is the first step in my own version of therapy. Now that I have admitted something isn’t right and I have a problem that needs to be fixed, let’s identify it.
I’m often irritable, moody, stressed, anixious and exhibit other negative feelings. My husband doesn’t have a job and doesn’t help me out around the house until I end up screaming and crying at him after coming home from a long day at work and doing things myself. I’ve been working nearly 12 hour days the past few weeks and have even been dreaming of work at night when I’m able to sleep. So basically, I work all day, pay all the bills, cook dinner and clean the house while my husband yells at me, doesn’t do his part without me making a big issue out of it and pays more attention to the dog than me. I feel I’m being taken for granted and with the extra stress of finances, lack of leisure activities and increase of house-hold responsibility I think it’s safe to assume I definitely am battling with some sort of depression. It’s starting to physically affect me – I cry so hard I throw up or have pains near my heart/chest area. Sometimes my breathing feels weird (that sensation you get when your heart skips a beat because you are nervous to go on stage but I’m not doing anything where I’m nervous or anxious – it just randomly occurs). I’ve often had feelings that I would be lucky if I got into a car accident and injured because then my husband would pay attention to me but of course two seconds later I realize that’s a dumb thought because I would ruin the car and increase my financial stress – and I know that’s a dumb thought because the first thing I should be worried about is my health!!! So it’s this cycle of thoughts about things I would never do and how dumb that thought it and how ridiculous it is that I had the thought in the first place – confusing I know.
Now that I’ve identified the problem, how do I fix it? The obvious solution that comes to mind as I’m staring at the kitchen counter is to vigourously clean the house – but of course I know that will only make me frustrated and mad that I’m giving in to doing everything by myself, only increasing the problem rather than solving it. That would be a band-aid for the moment but not heal the wound. The husband is at the dog park right now (after yelling at me and asking if I’m coming or not while I’m sitting on the couch crying). I know I should get out but have no desire to go anywhere. What to do…..