I've been sober nearly two weeks now. Even cutting back on the caffeine. It really sucks. Haven't been posting because I've been a lame jerk. It was so hard last week, my first weekend off in months, but I held out, on the way back from the beachIjust had a glass of Riesling with dinner…actually the same wine in the same place where I so disappointed the girl of my dreams. It seemed apropos somehow. Not that I expected to find her there with some other guy or anything, but was fully prepared to embarrass the heck out of her lol. I don't know, I tend to retrace my steps after tragic emotional response, not that it helps me figure anything out.

Also I spent the money I would have used to get wasted anonymously sending flowers to someone who won't appreciate them. They were yellow flowers in a happy face mug. I hope she realizes what happened someday even though it won't matter. I gave a card too but then called at the last minute and told the guy she broke up with me and the card would upset her so just throw it out. He told me to pick it up "when I'm ready" so I have a feeling it will sit there until the place closes down, which shouldn't take long, every store in that place except the big chain has changed hands so many times sinceI've lived in that town.Maybe someday she'll even buy it with her undeserved fortune and find it there all dusty and yellowed and wonder who wrote such an infuriating note to her all those years ago like something out of one of those romancebooks she's always got her nose stuck in.

The thing is I can't stop thinking about finishing this or getting messed up. Sure I will be too busy but in two weeks I'm leaving my part-time job and then my weekends will be all mine again. I'll be free to sit around on the same couch I used to get high on and clean out my schizo bedroom where I got suicidal to my heart's content. Everything will be just peachy and turn out better than expected, I'm sure.