So I write this blog thinking of the events that have brought me to this lonely life.  I used to be fun, have parties and do things.  I have been depressed for so many years I don’t know how to have fun.  If I start to feel good then I know something will mess it up or it can’t be real. 

My ex was verbally abusive.  Even though I was running two small businesses, volunteering in the school and managing a small farm he had a way to greet me that let me know I fell short each day.  I allowed it and accepted it as the norm until I felt physically ill driving in the drive way.  I finaly left but I had to loose everything and start all over.

An old friend, good friend connected and we fell in love.  We thought we could make it.  After a few years I moved again to take care of dad.  But the long distance was too much and it showed the flaws too clearly.

I know that having a mother whose father committed suiside has affected me.  Having a sister who was so jealous of me that she did everything in her power to bring me down.  It took years to learn of the extent of her actions.  I never realized how mean and vindictive people could be and from my sister no less.  Because of this we have not spoken in over 25 years nor has she spoken to our father because he speaks to me.  My sister demanded loyalty to her and her only.

So I choose people who treat me in a familiar way.  Having just been trying to survive for the past years there was no time to examin what I need to change in me so I can be some what content.  I have been battling this depression since before my divorce.  I know it has been getting worse because my work is sloppier and I can’t keep a job.  I know that taking walks with my dog makes me feel better but only while I’m walking.  Sometimes I look at the swirling waters in the river with the  warning sign about the under tow and think bad thoughts. As I head back home I start to feel the dread of the empty house.

I want to feel better, I don’t want to have the negative thoughts. I think if only I had more money to live on, if only I had my lover back, if only something good would happen to me, if only, if only…..