I woke up again, with another anxiety attack. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. If I go back to my Dr. he will just want to put me on Klonopin or worse yet Ativan. I hate those drugs. But I don't know how else to stop my anxiety. I've tried everything, all kinds of breathing techniques, meditation… I can't eat or get dressed. I am starving! But I can't manage to choke down any food.
I heard from M. She finally answered my email from New Yrs Eve. I don't even want to be her friend anymore. I am angry and tired of her just seeing me when is convinient for her. I don't think I'll respond. What I'll do is just not have anyone to talk to. I don't want to try to make new friends, it's too hard, even other depressed and anxious people don't understand me let alone people who don't have my problems. I'm sure I mentioned sometime that M is bi polar so we have had a history of undertstanding eachothers' depression. But not anymore, at least for me. I'm just tired of only seeing her once a year or so… not to mention that little problem wehad on my Birthday when she acted like a complete ass and had no regard for myfeelings.I don't want to need her friendship. I don't want or need anyone's friendship because in the end it just causes pain.
What do I have to tell her anyway, that K disapeared for good this time, that I'm still alone, still depressed, I don't think so. I just want to give everyone up and move on to being alone and isolated.
The only 2 ppl that I will write to now are my rich cousin who has been a great pen pal to me when we were both collecting (I no longer collect items because I ran out of money, she will never run out of money) but emails from her cheer me up. I'll also write to S from T&S once in a while since she is like an Aunt to me and also cheers me up.
I don't need people in my life who stress me out, men (at least the ones I know) have caused nothing but pain for me, or at the very least nothing but annoyance. I can't believe I was going to settle for P's friendship after all the disgusting things he said to me online. He was talking about how men are in general and sex and how that's all he and all men want/care about. That's true but anyone with any kind of class does not say that so blatentlyto another woman. Maybe he will end up alone like he deserves.
And then theres MC who is just completely annoying. He'll talk to me about something intelligently at first, then he will start saying how he wants me (sexually) and sounding like a complete pervert. It's a real turn-off. He's just creepy. Creepy is the best word I can come up with. Yet I've tried to remain his friend because I feel so desperate and in need of friends. I don't want him AT ALL so there's no use in still talking to him. Now it's a matter of just getting him to disapear.
It's so hard for me to say "NO I'm sorry, I'm not interested." I always just make up an excuse and say "I'm busy this week." or "Maybe some other time." I have so much trouble just being honest and saying no because I feel like I should not reject anyone who gives me attention… but I have to be honest with them and with myself.
AP can also disappear as far as I'm concerned. I'm SO tired of how weird he is and how he always tries to make me feel guilty for not hanging out with him when he just wants to use me.
C of course WAS my friend, until he stood me up over Christmas Vacation. No surprise there tho. Oh and I thought it was oh-so charming how he mentioned he wanted to see me in my newest sexy outfits. (SARCASM)
And as I've said as much as I will always love K,there's nothing I can do about it, it'sover… He's gone now and I know I won't be getting any more texts from him, and its all for the best. He has caused more stress than any kind of happiness. I need to finally let him go. It's up to me now to realize he's gone and to not ever text him again.
Yes, I know no one on here knows what I'm talking about but these are just a few of the people in my life or NOT in my life shall I say that have hurt/frustraited me and it's a New Year and I have to let them all go for my own sanity.
I just also want to say if you read my blogs, thank you if not, that's ok I am here to blog because I NEED TO WRITE MY FEELINGS DOWN. I don't judge anyone and hope everyone here is doing better or will be doing better sometime soon.