The NP says she will keep prescribing my pills as long as I see a therapist and have a physical. It is a pain in the ass, but I know it's something she is trying to do because it is her job and they have to keep ppl healthy at the clinic.

I was feeling a little better about that until I got to thinking again and I had this bad feeling that started last year, and now the more I look back, the more I can confirm it.

In 2009, Kyle tried (and in most cases "tried" is the operative word) to contact me. Several calls, texts etc. I didn't ignore his texts, but I never picked up the phone when I thought it might be him (calling from a blocked number)

Why did I run away? The very thing I wanted the most, and I didn't pursue it. I remember being afraid that he'd hurt me again. I remember thinking "He can't possibly be interested in me in that way… the only reason he's calling so much is because he feels guilty about what happened between us."

But what if I had thought positively instead? What if (without over doing it) I was hopeful and optomistic, and had given him a chance to talk to me or even see me? How could I have let him go – twice?

Why am I thinking of this now? Well because in 2010 Kyle didn't contact me at all. He went from over 20attempts in 2009 to nothing, except once at the very begining of the yearin 2010. When I realized that I was the only one trying to make contact anymore, whatever little bit of hope I had left deminished.

And that's when I wrote the letter. The letter that just doesn't have much value or meaning or anything to the person it was addressed to.

I will never forgive myself for losing Kyle in the first place, but really it's losing out on a chance with him again that really kills me. I must be the stupidest person on Earth.

I am not saying that he wanted to get back together with me in 2009. But I am saying that he contacted me a lot, or tried to, and this I know for sure( I won't get into how I figured it out, but I did.) And it's very clear now. But it's too late.

I can't believe what a mess things were. Starcrossed, I guess you could say. Almost a generation apart in age, lowself-esteem on my part,poor communication on both our partsand a society that would never let us find out what might have been.

No wonder I'm depressed.