'Help,I have done it again, I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today, and the worst part is that there is noone else to blame.. Be my friend? Hold me, wrap me up.'
Just listening to those lyrics sum up everything i'm feeling at this exact moment in time. Lost, lonely, confused, i guess in some sense slightly feeling sorry for myself, for which i punish myself greatly about. Why do i feel sorry for myself when there's people much worse off in this world than me. But i think i'm just gonna lay my cards out and admit it, i'm fucking struggling, and yes i guess i do feel slightly sorry for myself. The pain inside is un-bareable, sort of like i have just loads of mixed up stuff inside me and it just needs to come out and it's hurting its really hurting but it wont come out, all of this horrible shit wont come out properly so it comes out in anger or sadness or anxiety and panic. I dont want to do that anymore, i'm pushing people away due to the fucked up outbursts i have, and it's killing me. I need to feel something for a change, and i truly want a way out of this on going nightmare, i cant keep punishing myself for the way i feel, i'm really making myself ill, and i want to be that girl again that was once headstrong and confident and happy.
Depression has ran in my family for years, as well as alcohol addiction. My granddad had Bipolar and my grandma had depression also was an alcoholic, my mum has Bipolar and is a recovered alcoholic and addict, my dad alcoholic but i have only met him a few times in my life, my brothers, 2 of 3 of them are alcoholics and suffer with depression, and then there leaves me! Yay! 😀 I dont know what i am, i dont want to be labelled really, even though i've just labelled my family! What am i? Doctors fuck my mind up. 'Bipolar yes, you are clincally depressed, oh you have a personality disorder, severe anger issues..' etc. PLEASE just tell me, what am i!
Ok rant over. More to come. Sorry for being so morbid, i just needed a bit of space to get abit out. You dont know like anything about me at the moment and why i am the way i am but i guess i'll share sooner or later.
