Why? Why do things turn out this way? Why is it that every minute of every day there is something that hurts? Be it physical or emotional – something hurts.
People say to cut the bad people – the people who cause you to retreat into yourself or feel badly – out of your life. But what if they are supposed to be the closest people in the world to you? Do you give up on family? Is there a reason that God gave us people that we have a lot of differences with as family?
I am irritated today. I do not feel good. And apparently it is again all in my head. From a person I thought might support me. I used to tiptoe around her and not tell her what I really think, what I am really worried about. None of it – because I feared judgement from her. Turns out I was right. Can't focus on that. Pretty sure that would be a bad realization for continued growth.
Whatever. Odds are with the disease I definately do have… I'm probably going to get a major illness at some point down the line. We are not going to tell them. I don't know that if I lost an arm I would actually tell them anything. I owe them nothing at this point.
Sitting here thinking about the fact that I feel pretty crappy. My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I don't feel good. I can't tell my husband because he is "tired of hearing about it". My mom "doesn't want to know." Apparently my sister thinks I am "manufacturing symptoms". So – feel crappy – who gives a damn? There is no one in my immediate circle (of people in my daily life) who give a damn how I feel. Nice to feel that. Really nice.
My best friend is "busy" and "has her own troubles". She does care – but I don't want to burden her.