Why? Why do things turn out this way? Why is it that every minute of every day there is something that hurts? Be it physical or emotional – something hurts.

People say to cut the bad people – the people who cause you to retreat into yourself or feel badly – out of your life. But what if they are supposed to be the closest people in the world to you? Do you give up on family? Is there a reason that God gave us people that we have a lot of differences with as family?

I am irritated today. I do not feel good. And apparently it is again all in my head. From a person I thought might support me. I used to tiptoe around her and not tell her what I really think, what I am really worried about. None of it – because I feared judgement from her. Turns out I was right. Can't focus on that. Pretty sure that would be a bad realization for continued growth.

Whatever. Odds are with the disease I definately do have… I'm probably going to get a major illness at some point down the line. We are not going to tell them. I don't know that if I lost an arm I would actually tell them anything. I owe them nothing at this point.

Sitting here thinking about the fact that I feel pretty crappy.  My head hurts.  My stomach hurts.  I don't feel good.  I can't tell my husband because he is "tired of hearing about it".  My mom "doesn't want to know."  Apparently my sister thinks I am "manufacturing symptoms".   So – feel crappy – who gives a damn?  There is no one in my immediate circle (of people in my daily life) who give a damn how I feel.  Nice to feel that.  Really nice. 

My best friend is "busy" and "has her own troubles".   She does care – but I don't want to burden her.

Tired now.

1 Comment
  1. goodness 9 years ago

     I am so sorry that your family belongs in the zoo…either in the baboon cage or near the jack asses

    doesnt make it better but only to remind you…"now you have a right to choose your family of origin"

    I am so proud of you for "being done"…really proud when i read that you sent your sister imfo on the disease (really all you can do)

    so now, you get in your cozy chair andf take care of you…you put your butt on your shoulders when you go for thanksgiving and when they try to ask or start talking crap..say..what's the point as i know you really dont want to know…tell them…i dont care if you think this is a REAL disease or not

    you are of great value, you have many people that love you and if i lived closer…i would be there by your side

    choose happy…take care of you..breathe deep and hug your kids…see the beauty in the moment and dont give a damn what anybody else thinks

    i hope you feel better

     

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