So my rush to the UK was manic.  I wasn’t thinking of the consequences, just that I love Bella, and I got here in 3 days time (after selling all of my posessions to pay for the trip).  I apologize to UK citizens for me negligence, I honestly could not control myself (even properly medicated).

Now I’m out of money, have till Jan on my Visa, I’m considered a visitor, can’t work, no benefits (I expected that) and no medical (found out yesterday).  I have nothing to go back to, no one to go back to, no money to pay for my trip back,  and I hate more than anything that I have to leave Bella behind.  I am an IT administrator by trade, 15 years of experience, and because of my pressured manic decision, the life I wanted to build for Bella and I is no longer within reach.  I don’t know what to do, nor where to go.  I want to stay here, I could easily make 40,000 pounds annually, and be of great benefit to society here, but who to tell/convince of this?  Not to mention how?  "Oh, I’m sorry, I’m bipolar, my rush to get here was manic, but I’m highly functional and intelligent!"  Yeah, that’ll fly 🙂  

I’ve been in severe pain all day, the stress of it all finally got to me.  Took a Klonopin, and I feel better (my neck crackled as the stress relieved).   I talked to a visa consultant by email who said an employer has to show that they cannot find a UK citizen to do the work, in order for me to get a work permit.  Under the highly skilled workers qualification, I qualify from a financial aspect (I can make enough money) but I’m too old (33, you get points for being 32 and younger) and I don’t have enough (any) money, nor a responsible financial history (I’m bipolar, like I can just not spend money when I get it 🙂

I left so much behind, the Audi, beautiful apartment, bed, sofa, lovesac, my cat, to move here on a whim for love, and that means more than anything in the world to me.  Yet here I sit, draining all of Bella’s resources in just existing.

Damn I screwed up… 

I’m screwed, just want to work and provide a wonderful life for us.  I’ve started from scratch twice before, and know pretty well, how to be sucessfull at turning oranges into orange juice.  Now I’m left with rotten lemons to make something of…  

The anxiety has been overwhealming, 5 concentric thoughts going off at one time, not able to grasp one long enough to focus on, Lithium is doing it’s job, but I’m starting to feel a numbed effect, the more stress I’m under.

By the way, I figured out why there are all sorts of "Migraine" ads posted on this site.  Topamax is used off label to treat Bulimea, forms of bipolar in conjunction with another drug, and is useful for weight loss (compared to say Depakote, where one could gain 20lbs easily 🙂  but as it is off-label, they can’t advertise it’s off label use (no FDA approval) so they have to advert as "Migraine treatment" as it was designed.  Still an odd thing to see tho  🙂

In regards to the cyberstalking, I set my profile to members only, hope the ex isn’t a member, then I’d have to set it to friends only  🙂

~ PEACE