While shopping with my mom, I saw a really cute pair of shoes. I'll admit they were a little pricey but my mom said if I reach a weight loss goal, she would buy them for me. I guess believing her was my first mistake. The shoes were so cute…I thought they would help boost my self-esteem and give me something to motivate me.I know, howpathetic. Just like thinking make up would give me a boost. It tends to have the adverse effect: how stupid of me to think I could ever be seen as pretty.
Also, there is talk of getting rid of Harley and Lexie (two of the three kittens I took care of after Paint gave birth)…I admit we do have our hands full with pets but giving them up after having them for almost three years absolutely breaks my heart. I was close to crying when the idea was put on the table. My parentsare willing to keep Misa (who is a b**ch to everyone except my dad) just because she was here first. I guess I'm being childish and stupid. Giving up Harley and Lexie may not even solve the problem…to think of this just makes my mood tank. I get chewed out for being too sensetive…I get nagged at because I'm on too many medications (I cut the Zyprexa in half by the way. That made me too sleepy). I just can't seem to make my parents proud. I know I should do things for myself but honestly? I just rather die. I don't have muchto fight for. I guess I'm needed to take care of the pets and clean the house but I have NOTHING to keep me fighting!!
I am convinced my family would be better off without me. Really, what have I brought to their lives? Other than worry?
I guess considering the two issues in the blog, the shoes don't seem to matter much.
I look at the date and think Harley, Lexie and Casper (who was adopted) will be three in about a month…I don't bake them a cake or buy them anything special but I am reminded of the day I was fortunate enough to see them come into this world. Their mama, Paint, trusted me enough to let me witness their birth. God I sound like a f***ing psycho. I'm going to stop before I make myself sound even more ridiculous.


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