Why is it that, sometimes I want to do something, or at least I THINK that I want to do something because it crosses my mind and lingers a bit, then when it comes to going to do it, then I also don’t want to do it? Sometimes it’s my mind/heart that says yes, but my body says no. When I’m down, sometimes I feel like talking to somebody, but I won’t. I might stare at the MSN button and the mouse arrow, wondering if I should log in, or have my arrow placed over a friend’s name, wondering if I should click it and say something, but at the same time, I don’t want to talk. I’ve had incidences where I’m holding my phone and I stare at my friend’s number, wondering if I should push the call button…only to close my phone. Then I might open it up again. Even when I remember my friends saying that they want me to call whenever, or that if I ever need to talk, I can call anytime, I won’t.

Today, I thought about heading out to go biking because it’s been a long time since I last did that, and it’s been a long time since I’m off a little bit earlier on a Saturday, AND a long time since it’s nice outside and going to hold up, but then when I really thought about it, I didn’t feel like it. I look out the window, and I want to, but something inside of me just feels like staying in and not being seen.

And how is that when I’m really sick, for the first time in my life, I feel not cold…Neither did I feel really hot today either. A few people were complaining about being cold, and I’m just in my thin shirt, not even crossing my arms or shoving my hands into pockets. I’m the one who talks about being cold when everybody else is hot. And, also, someone told me that I look healthy. What the…??! But I’m sick! When I’m NOT sick, people have things to say about my appearance.

…Off topic, but I feel like I might as well get it out. I feel like I’m hurting someone, more than I probably am guessing, by the way I am acting, since I’ve decided to be more selfish than I previously was cuzI’ve been neglecting myself. I feel bad…but…I don’t know. Maybe I’m just mean. 🙁

And as with most times here, I wonder if I should post this. You don’t know how many times I’ve written stuff, only to change my mind.

1 Comment
  1. sorrowfulpoet 15 years ago

    Just try and be gentle with yourself, AND others. You can’t always be perfect in treatment of either, but do your best.

    0 kudos

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