I was watching a show tonight about these people going through a police academy and the trials of new rookie cops on the beat.

Just watching this show has brought me into a mode of panic. There is just something about the police that really makes me panic. Its like i’m worried that they’ll arrest me even if i have done nothing. I know that makes no sence. Maybe thats why everytime i have had close contact with them I start swinging and throwing punches. Maybe its not all authority i have a problem with.. maybe its the police.. no actually i take that back, all authority i have issues with.

Anyway going back to the panic… I was litterally sitting there watching this show and my heart felt like it was going to jump out my chest. I still feel a bit panic-y so i took something to calm me down. Right now though I feel very very paniced. And this was from just watching a tv show?! i am truly a strange person.

Even before this show came on i have been feeling a bit.. idk.. just a bit down. I know why.. i was to happy before earlier today. Oh well i guess i will just have to ride it out.

Sometimes I wish I knew why i react the way I do to the simple things. I mean surly someone could watch a show about police without freaking out. I got to the point where I didn’t know if i was going to cry or .. anything.

I have done nothing with my life. How can a 19 y.o be a police officer? when i’m a 23 year old who has done nothing. I am hopless. honestly……..