I am now 29yrs old and am finally beginning to get to know myself and come to terms with things that have happened to me.
My experiances have greatly shaped who I am and how I percive things..I am now aware of the reasons for why I act in certain ways to certain situations and people, although the road of self discovery has been a long, slow and extreamly painful process..and I am still learning everyday!
Growing up I have had to deal with a great deal of hurt, neglect, abuse, abandonment, responsibility and have consequently found that the only person I can count on is myself….I am the only one who has truely got my backI find trusting ppl extreamly hard as I have been let down throughout my life, both as a child and as an adult….I need ppl to prove that they are trustworthy and honest and find it hard to let ppl in unless I am 100 percent sure about them..until then I have a barrier that I keep up to protect myself….I once read that barriers are sometimes there, not to keep ppl out but to see who cares enough to climb over it…this is something I can relate to!!
I have difficulty showing affection towards ppl in my life…maybe for fear of it not being recipricated, being genuine when it is given back or maybe because I am just not capable.
Although I can be an extreamly emotional person, I am however, just as likely to show nothing at all or keep ppl at arm’s length should I feel I am being judged or played.
I have also been self harming – cutting – since I was 13yrs old …the same age at which I had my first failed suicide attempt….of which there have been many since, my last one being in June this year. I guess some might say this is due to my lack of ability to self soothe when distressed…sometimes,I just feel deserving of pain and hurt.
Dispite my tendancy to push ppl away, I long for acceptance and affection…I am a needy person..hugs, kisses, compliments and reassurance is something that I need almost constantly…unrealistic expectations I guess, I mean, who the fuck wants to be with someone like that!!!
I dream of being rescued from my life by my knight in shining armour – dispite knowing that those kind of ppl don’t exist!…but then pretty woman is one of my fav films..(ok, I know it’s not something I should admit, but hey, I know I’m not perfect!! lol)
I guess the other main problems I have are impulsiveness and controling my anger…both things have lead to difficult, embarressing situations…in some cases also being arrested – although it has now been several months since I have done that!!!
Although a lot of ppl might see me as being overly confident or outspoken sometimes..I am actually very insecure about myself an hold an very negative perspective of both my inner person and physical apperance…some days I can’t bare to look at myself or even try to pertend to ppl that I am nice.
ok, so I care about ppl and want to help them but that really isn’t enough to constitute believing that I am a good person…I am selfish in my reasons for wanting to do these things…I am looking for understanding of myself or trying to put right wrongs that I feel have been done to me…trying to prevent things is maybe my way of restoring my own fucked up childhood, trying to calm down that inner child that so often lurks beneath my own surface and whom I struggle to contain and control at times!!!
"Evil Emma"…she is my inner child…she takes over and demands to be heared, dispite the consequences…unfortuanatly she is able to do so at times and the results can be extreamly damaging…to both myself and others!!!….I know this must sound like I am seriously deranged but it is the only way I can explain it in a way I, or other ppl, can understand.
It is sometimes as if I have no control of my own thoughts or actions…like I am in there…my head…but am rendered powerless to stop doing things that I know are destructive and wrong.
Ok , well this kind of went off on one didn’t it!!! lmao
My thoughts running away again…only when I write can I concentrate long enough to actually consider anything!!..writing is my one and only form of outlet from the constant barrage of intrusive thoughts, ideas, memories and feelings that I live with on a daily basis!
I am hoping that the more I undertand myself the easier I will be to live with…cos sometimes I honestly don’t want to wake up and be me for another day!!!!