There are days when i think yep all is right with the world, and then there are those that i think why? Why am i alive? It has been incredibly difficult for me lately. I have always worked, always been relatively fit and healthy. Yeh ok i’ve struggled with depression and anxiety but it was ok i was handling it. Then things started going wrong. A routine arthroscopy on my knee and suddenly my joints are on fire. Steroids, nasty drugs and the inability to walk more than a few metres have destroyed me. Weight gain, insomnia and constant pain are my world now. I can’t work, my self esteem has plummeted and it’s a never ending barrage of doctors, specialists, blood tests and scans. on a high note i’m fairly sure i glow in the dark now 🙂 with all the radiation. It has got to the stage now that i rarely go anywhere coz it’s just way too much effort. All i want to be is normal again, well as normal as i was. Pain is exhausting, being lonely is exhausting. Some days it’s just too hard to get out of bed. Yet i have never thought about ending my life, although sometimes i think that not waking up would be easier somehow. I could in a second. Some of the drugs i take are really nasty…..chemo drugs apparently. I choose to ride it through, for better or worse. I’m not religious, in fact if anything i’m bordering on pagan or wiccan. I meditate, I have crystals, i even have a black cat lol. I wish i wasn’t in pain, I wish i wasn’t depressed, I wish that things were easier. People ask me, ‘How are you?’ I always respond ‘I’m awesome!’ In reality i’m nowhere near. This life is trying to teach me something. I’m just not sure yet what it is.
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Wow, it sounds like you are going through a really tough time. I’m so sorry. I haven’t had chronic pain issues but I also find myself physically challenged right now (anemia, constant head-pounding and fear of fainting when I stand). That sense of helplessness and your life shrinking is something I’m familiar with – I haven’t really been ‘functional’ most of my life. In my case it will get better this time, but I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling like normal life is way beyond me and I don’t know why I’m alive. And being especially sick always brings all my loneliness, anxiety and helplessness issues to the fore.
What I’m realising now is that even if they can’t help you, empathy alone helps a lot. If you have anyone within reach who is capable of just being a sympathetic ear or making your life easier in small ways without trying to fix you, maybe don’t hide from them that you’re having difficulties? That’s if they can really be present without making you feel worse somehow, though. I know not everyone has people like that in their lives, though. I don’t myself, which is why I’m on this site.
What you said about not wanting to end your life but thinking it would be easier not to wake up – I’ve had those thoughts exactly. Not so much now, but often in my twenties. I’m lucky enough to have come back from it enough that I have some trust that ‘things usually get better’, though each difficult time I do wonder if ‘this is the time they won’t’. I know life is teaching me something. I don’t need proof or for anyone else to believe it. It pays off for me and it’s made me happier. It gets me out of bed – not everyday, but eventually. In my case, pain and exhaustion often make it much clearer to me what I really care about in my life and what I’m no longer willing to pour useless stress into. In some ways I’m much freer than I was eight years ago when my life was worst. There’s also a real pleasure in realising that something that used to eat up time and energy is actually something I don’t give two toots about and I can flush it from my life, haha. I don’t care as much what people think. I don’t judge myself as much for stupid things. I have a much better sense of what I really love in life. I’ve also given up trying to be ‘normal’. Just too much effort for not a lot of payoff.
I meditate too. I just discovered Insight Timer and love it. I actually love crystals, though I don’t have any right now. I honestly don’t know if they work but I really enjoy just looking at them. Mm, I should get some.
I hope you feel better and I didn’t blather on too much.