Just Been away on holiday in Kerry in the West of Ireland.
Should have been a nice relaxing week but I was stressed anxious and frustrated the entire Time.
And the weather only became nice the day we were leaving.
I was with my dad. Holidays with me and him are stressful.
I wanted some fun and he wanted to visit his family and rest.
It was really his holiday so I did mostly what he wanted.
But even though I was with family who are very nice I was so lonely.
What made it worse is that I went cold turkey from meds for ocd and depression in December and I sometimes feel I beat the OCD.
I had it for 30 years because of something I suffered as a child it emerged.
I told my mam a few years ago and my dad last year. But I am left with regret now.
I suffered for 30 years for nothing. My doctor said that I tortured myself for 30 years for no reason.
So that hurts every day. Now each day I try to live to not waste any more time. But I am very tired and very lonely.

I was treated like a leper as a teenager and even for years before hand. The song Hazard that boys not right. That is how people looked at me.
No one knew about OCD 30 years ago. And nobody wanted to be friends with someone like me. On top ot that my parents were very religious
and still are so girlfriends were not encouraged.

I have had nothing but problems for a lot of the last 30 years.
I had something on my mind and it would not let me go.
But I was terrified to speak out. But now I feel like a coward because I didn’t speak out earlier.
Life would have been so much better.

Because my family were so religious I turned to God Jesus Mary and everyone else looking for help. Begging for help.
Help never came.

I no longer pray and ask for help. Because I don’t ever want that to be part of the OCD again.
God said I am who I am. I believe in me. I don’t pray to anyone and no more begging.
A loving God should not make people beg.
If there is a God he I believe leaves us to our own devices. We are here to help ourselves and to help each other.

I live at home. My parents are religious and that is their choice. So I will never knock anyone’s religious beliefs.
But if you need help you need to ask someone.

Please don’t ever be afraid to ask for help. Make your life easier and ask for help. If something is not right speak up.
Don’t be like me.

I am starting my life again and turning 40. I am depressed about losing 30 years of my life that I will never get back.
I can’t forget nor can I forgive myself for all of the pain and suffering I endured for no reason.

There is good and evil in this world. I know.
Evil relies on fear to survive.
I believe that there should be no reason for anyone to fear anything in this life.
If you fear something ask for help.

I am not here to lecture or tell people what to do. I am broken. I have no confidence. The OCD has not gone away you know. I am tired.
I am here to help where I can and to ask for help.

Ok so that is why I am here. I talk openly as possible. To get free and get help. So feel free to say what you want to me

3 Comments
  1. kitmoon 4 years ago

    I’m sorry too. I’m four years younger than you and have been feeling like time is running out on me since I was about seventeen. For a long time each birthday would bring more and more despair as my life seemed as stuck as ever and everyone else’s was moving on. And the weird thing is that at each major birthday – I would look back on the previous birthdays and be like ‘I’d give anything to be just five years younger’.

    At around the age of 28, I had very bad panic attacks and often found myself thinking about death more than I ever had. Not that I was suicidal, but there were times I literally thought I might die soon. I was afraid of dying, and afraid of spending the rest of my life in fear. Since then, I’ve looked much more towards how I’d like to be at the end of my life. I just know that I don’t want to be 50, or 70 or 80, and be thinking ‘I’d give anything to be 36 again’.

    I don’t mourn my 20s or even the first half of my 30s as much now. I mean I still do, but not so much. It’s one thing to be in pain, it’s another to be in pain and terror and have no idea why, which is how I was back then. Now I can see more clearly how I got to where I am, the chances I missed to get help, and other contributing circumstances, some of which were beyond my control, some which weren’t but I didn’t know any better. Before, I simply had no clue why everything was wrong all the time, I only had this vague sense that life hated me. Whenever I see younger people now with similar problems, it hurts to see their confusion piled on top of pain. I wish I could give them a brain transfusion, lol – let them know that “no, life doesn’t hate you, God doesn’t hate you, this is not happening to you because you’re a terrible person, it’s because of this-and-this-and-this that happened to you.”

    I will say one more thing. I haven’t been very well lately and a few nights ago I could do little more than lie in bed and think about my life. You know how when you’re left with nothing to do, past regrets often come to visit. I found myself thinking how alone I was and how desperately I wanted just ONE person to say “I’m sorry you went through all that nonsense. It didn’t have to be that way. It didn’t have to be so difficult and so painful and so confusing and meaningless for so long.” Then I realised that I had never even said it to myself. It sounds like self-pity, after all. But it was true anyway, so I just lay there and admitted it. I was truly sorry that my 17-year old self and 25-year old self had suffered so much because of mine and other people’s mistakes and ignorance. Of course before long I was crying enough tears to drown an elephant… but it also left me feeling a bit cleaner, like my throat wasn’t so stuck with rage and grief.

    I hope things get easier for you.

    |
    0 kudos
    • Author
      markup 4 years ago

      So I am not alone. But this month is always the toughest. Christmas means nothing. Never did after childhood. But my birthday is in July so I always get depressed this time of the year. I never got into that much trouble. I am not a criminal. Never did time. I got into rows and fights. But I never set out to cause trouble. Without blowing my own trumpet I was a good looking young man. I could attract women. But I always drank too much. Drinking numbed the thoughts in my head. I found after a few drinks I was calmer and could think clearly. But then I would black out. I also found that because I was nice to people and gave people too many chances that I was used a lot. A group of people I thought where my friends were just using me to meet women and help them build up their confidence. I guess I knew it was happening but I needed friends. But1 day I had enough. I stopped trusting people. And have been more or less alone since.
      I turn 40 next week. I started getting depressed about this month’s ago. The last time I had a party with friends was when I was 21. Within a year they had all turned their back on me .

      People I in work are asking what I am going to do. I tell them that my mother has organised a meal in a pub and some family members will show up. But I don’t feel like going.

      My cousin is in a wheelchair and always has been. He will be there. I only see him once or twice a year. And my mother has a bit of depression too. So I will go because of them.

      Death and I seem to have a love hate relationship. As much as I wanted to at times I never tried suicide. I figured that would mean defeat and I promised myself that if I reached that stage I would take out of the game the person who harmed me and causes all this trouble first. So during the day in my bad times fight through the day. But at night alone in bed I often welcome death. When I prayed I begged to die.

      I don’t fear my own death and never have. But I feared that I would cause the death of family members especially when the OCD was at its worst.

      Strange I am calm writing this but maybe it’s because I am at home.

      But maybe it’s the writing that eases my mind

      |
      1 kudos
  2. bridgie101 4 years ago

    I wasted the first 40 yrs of my life too. But was it wasted? i have to accept it because I learned from it, and 6 yrs later I would not know what I do now if I had not been through those “40 yrs in the wilderness.”

    Nyuck nyuck.

    If I were you I’d get whatever medication gives me a quiet mind and stay on it for a few years and create a new existence. I say I ‘would’ – do it: I did do it. It was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Find out what life is like for other people.

    Just as they don’t know what it’s like for you; you don’t know what it’s like for them. And you can find out. And then you can understand.

    |
    0 kudos

Leave a reply

© 2020 WebTribes Inc. | find your tribe

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account