its 5am in the morning im still awake. people as me why i dont sleep. im 27, ill be 28 in august 12th. i dont sleep cause sleep brings nightmares. i cant say i dont sleep period cause that would be a lie, but i dont sleep 7 hours like the normal human being i sleep for less then 2 1/2 hours maybe 3 tops but thats about it. my eating habbits are not healthy either. i dont eat 3 meals a day i only eat 1 meal & its not even considered a meal its more like a snack. I am supposed to be maintaining 185 on my weight, i only weigh 132. thats actually bad on my heart but lately i dont care. sleep..it just brings nightmares. I live alone, i live in a 3 bedroom home with a full basement & a quarter lot property, i have my 7 year old dog harley & my new 3 week old kitten scooters. thats it. I dont have friends cause people dont take the time to get to know me they rather just walk away.. & those who do come to visit are those who just want something then they leave. I have troubles making friends or talking to others cause I dont think on most human beings levels of life. to most people they can walk up to someone & boom be friends, in my world doing something like that is impossible case no im not shy I am just used to being walked away from, that i dont see a point in even trying. I had 4 girlfriends in my life time 1 lasted for a month, 1 lasted a day, 1 got killed cause of me, & the last 1 lasted for 6 months till she found someone better. tonight she even came over to say hi, she was supposed to stay the night..just 2 friends hanging out no strings attached. out of no where she decided to check her phone & says shes gotta go. she told me her father was having a ceasure & needed to go check on him. after she left i texted her, no response….this isnt the first time shes made up some lame excuse to get away from me……i dont understand why people dont like me…i dont drink, id ont do drugs i am smoker but im on the verge of quiting with chantix, which by the way is bad to take when ur already depressed……..we wont go there…i stick to myself, when people need help or reach out I am always there. but when i need someone, nobody is around. nobody ever knocks on my door & asks to hang out, ive never even been on a date, yea i dated but i never have been on a date in public, ive never been asked to go to the park & enjoy the bon fires, or go to a movie, or anything. im always @ home. my job is paper delivering i do that in the mornings but other then that i am always home. i have had a vision of future life. if i make it that long i see me @ the age of 80 sitting on my front porch breathing out of a oxygen tank watching life go by as i wait to die. i am not suicedel but sometimes i wonder if i was to dispear if anyone would notice or if they would just go on living their merry lie. my biggest fear is being alone, its bad enough i have all this love to share this giant house, & nobody here to share it with, & people ask me why i dont sleep…..would u sleep? whats the point of dreaming when its not true in real life. u see a dream as something fun, a nightmare to me is dreaming of a fantasy of how i wish my life was like…thats a nightmare i dont want to think about cause once i awake everything goes back to how it is now. ..lonely, its bad enough i talk to my plants, bugs, & sometimes even my teddy bear. its come to a point that im either going insane or im desperate.

1 Comment
  1. White_Rose 8 years ago

      we need to talk honey,,,

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