I know this is my second blog today, but it's vastly different than my first. I had high hopes for how today would go, but my mood has slid steadily downhill as the day moved on.
We went to pick up Zach and ended up staying at Aaron's Mom's to join everyone in making our own pizzas and celebrating our cousin's birthday. It's a rough time for him right now because his wife just divorced him and they'd only been married for 6-8 months at most. He's really having a hard time with depression. Of all the people there, I think I am the most understanding of what's that's like. My heart broke for him.
After we left the party we came home and I loved on Zach quite a bit ~ then laid down fora nap on the couch. I must have been more tired than I thought, because I slept through over 2 hours and the tv was on (normally I have a hard time sleeping when there is noise in the background). My husband woke me with a kiss, and while it was sweet, I realized immediately that my heart was hurting a lot. The melancholia swept over me in waves, taking my breath away, pulling me down away from the air. All I wanted, NEEDED ~ was to go back to sleep. But instead I made myself get up and go to the grocery store to pick up dinner with Aaron.
I'm not hungry. The thought of food right now actually makes me sick to my stomach ( the pizza/dessert did not sit well with me) and I feel guilty for having eaten that stuff at all, considering how good I've been about eating healthy foods and staying away from junk. I feel like I probably undid all the good I did the past week!
I sit here and write and it's still grey and raining and know that we won't be able to go exercise tonight. And it probably didn't help that I didn't take my 3rd Ritalin today, but I don't like taking it if I plan on going to bedbefore 10. If I do it's hard to go to sleep. But what I need at this point issunshine even though I don't want the heat to go with it.
I'mfamiliar with this place that I'm in right now very well. It's that place where hearing certain songs will make you cry, or seeing something that seems sad will make you cry, or if you think about sad things (which you inevitably do)will make you cry. AndI'm trying SO hard not to cry. But I can tell that this is a fight I will lose today. So, bring on the tears. Maybe that will release someof the heartache thatI'm carrying for no particular reason today. Well, part of it is that I'm feeling stressed and stretched thin emotionally for some reason. I have these worries running around in circles in my mind that seem to have no answers.How do I solve these problems?
Well, I guess I have to put on some semblance of normalcy now. My Mom is up and we're getting dinner ready (ugh) and I have to pretend that all is right with my world. My husband knows better I think, but I don't want to burden him with it right now. How do you explain what melancholia feels like when it's just there because it wants to be?