I hate how manipulative i am towards people and myself. The way i twist things in order to get information out of someone. Whether its the answer i want or not. Even make it seem like normal conversation. An example is when i was talking to this guy i likes, devin. I finally told him he was cute, and he denied it and made a joke out of it. Not saying anything about me. So in order to get to know what i wanted i said "I figure youd like to know, its always nice to hear. If someone thinks im retarded or ugly, oh well stuff happens." Which made him reply with "oh i dont think your either of those" At first i was pretty good with that answer till i twisted it in my mind. Then i started thinking. Well if he thinks im not ugly at all, then that could mean he doesnt think im prety either. So wtf. Why cant those thoughts just stop? Why do i HAVE to twist things. all it does is put me down so why?!? Another example would be when this guy winked at me when he was driving next to me. At first it made me feel nice. Especially sense i just did my hair a while ago, so i was pretty happy. Then i got down to actually thinking about it. All i could truly think of was why would he wink at me? whats so attractive about me? Thoughts kept poping into my head and yano the one that stuck. Is that guy telling his friend "i dare you to wink at that ugly girl up ahead" Why do i do this? Then theres my ex. Who says he loves me and has thought about dating me but just doesnt know yet. So in my mind im thinkin no he doesnt, he just doesnt want to hurt me. Why would he say im perfect tho? to play with my emotions maybe.

So ive come to a conclusion. If i stop thinking, i cannot think bad things. lol But theres noo way to stop my thinking so its pointless….


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