i hate when it’s all your fault, and you know it. you set yourself up for dissapointment and you…somehow cannot stop it. i….i just want someone so badly, im just so pathetic, ive spent most of my life alone, the past year especially. i want to break away from all the pain that ive endured….and i have in a way, but i still havent been CLOSE with anyone. all my friends betrayed me last year, dont trust them, like therapist but am not close to her, cannot be close to family, i want to be close, i am so close, ive never been this way before for anyone and its pathetic considering who it is.
In the past, if i liked someone, this sounds awful but it was because they liked me, they wanted me to be their girlfriend, they wanted to be my boyfriend. its awful but they were more like accessories for me. no one like me when i was younger, i was unpopular and ugly….and while i stayed unpopular through the rest of my school career, i got easier to look at. people were nicer, and instead of being looked over, being invisible and rejected, i was wanted. someone got butterflies when i talked to them. no one had ever…ever liked me….noticed me till i was 14.
I just feel like it is not the same right now. i hate that it is so unequal, that i want to see someone, i want to talk to them, hear about their day. i dont need them to kiss me or flatter me, take me out or buy me things. i want plain and simple them. and its not the same, i feel. ive never felt this way about anyone and its so strange, its so weird to want to give up so much for somoenone when there is no guarentee. there is no safety. this is not something easy like in high school and i hate it because i cant stop it and i know deep in my heart that im setting myself up for failure. is it worth it? would it be worth it to you to risk pain just to hear a person’s laugh? see them smile? im so dumb, and i want to shake it off, because this will never be good for me, but it sticks to me