I’m just ranting to let off some steam…

 

 I’m such a stupidhead. Don’t even know where to start. I drank too much last night, never a good idea when a bit down, got drunk, fell over, got my nose scratched. Spent money I really do not have to spend, but didn’t care. Brought the dog to the pub – that doesn’t help my feelings of guilt. 

Other than that, these past few days I’ve been apathic. Just sitting on the sofa or lying in bed, not eating, just not caring, trying to sleep the days away, waiting for relief. I’ve only eaten when I start to feel physically ill, shaking, being nauseous, felling weak. And then, when I do eat, I just eat junk, whatever is in the house, just to fill my stomach. It doesn’t exactly help getting my energy back. I know that if I eat the right sort of food, and more often, I’ll feel better, but I can’t be bothered. 

Went to group therapy today, didn’t want any attention, and almost didn’t get any. Just at the very end, one of the women shifted the spotlight to me, telling me that I looked sad and not completely present. She was right, I had been unusually quiet, just commenting from time to time to keep the focus on other people. I couldn’t cope telling how I feel, because it was just five minutes left, and I always start crying and can’t speak when I try to express how I feel. I need more time, just to calm down enough to articulate. Told them it wasn’t so bad, just one of those days, probably caused or worsned by hormones, having my period and stuff. One of the guys was talking about being amitted to hospital for a few weeks, to get some rest and counselling, to get back on his feet. I sometimes wish I could be hospitalized for a week or three, but I’m not ill enough, nor suicidal. So I’m too well to get the help I want, but too sick to do anything. Go figure. 

Well, dad just called, nagging about a scooter I’ve been trying to sell, saying it can’t stand outside here, on the street, getting ruined. I know he means the best, but it feels like yet another task I can’t do properly. So instead of doing anything, I just sit here feeling useless. Blah. 

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