What does that even mean? I guess it’s a little bit of letting go, a little bit of acceptance, a little bit of hope, a little bit of happiness, a little bit of sadness, a little bit of anger, a little bit of loss. It’s strange to know that I felt love once. It was being wrapped in someone’s arms, gently rocked. For a moment, I was sheltered from the entire universe. Time and space didn’t exist. I smiled from the inside. Feeling the cold world from the outside. So much life in me. Love is a bittersweet thing. Because as all things are, they eventually change, sometimes for the better, sometimes to the end.

Sometimes I think back to the guy that pulled on my sweater sleeves and breathed into them to warm my hands and I remember the way he looked at me. He saw right through me. He understood my weaknesses, accepted every flaw. I trusted him enough. We made love. It was passionate. And fulfilling. He was gentle and kind. But I wonder if maybe I was just a distraction. We eventually broke up because I thought I had it all figured out and he hadn’t started. Last we spoke, he was well on his way to something amazing. For a second I thought of how nice it would be to go back to those cool autumn evenings and be the crazy kids in love. But I know that it’s too far gone.. just a memory of surrender. It’s been so long since I felt that. The fear of being hurt again takes a lot of the fun out of it. Yet, it also brought a lot of unexpected experiences I probably would’ve avoided.

And I think of recently.. the guy who makes me forget that I am who I am. It spanned many years, and seemed never changing… There’s some comfort in that. I get to wear this mask and never let my guard down. With him, I never thought about a future, of what could be.. just for now. He looked so yummy. So much fun to touch. I never thought about him holding me close, just straddling for a hint of warmth. Nothing too intimate, never too deep. How all I can think about is getting lost in him, I could care less about any real thing I have to deal with. Even though the silence is unbearable sometimes. Even though the moments we share are far and few between. Even though he doesn’t worry if I’m safe or content. We shared the same habits in different forms.. and I think that it’s what made it work the way it did for so long. I was allowed to be disconnected. It didn’t require so much effort. But things that don’t get attention.. they wither away.. Fade into dust. And after a few weeks of separation, I’m starting to realize what it always was. I mean, I knew.. but I never really acknowledged that he was my escape. A distraction from something real. Something that requires real energy, real vulnerability, real surrender.

Looking forward, I think about the guy at work. The one I would date IF he wasn’t my coworker and IF he wasn’t only 30. I felt like a little bitch whenever he walked by. Couldnt help but smile hoping he didn’t catch me blush. He tried to make a move at the Xmas party one year but.. I got so caught up in the what if’s that it never played out. He’s tall, soft spoken, kinda awkward, so adorable. I still get butterflies when we talk. I try to avoid him. I try to act unshaken when we have work discussions. I don’t know if it would really work out.. but something tells me we’d have a good time together. Haven’t been to the office in months now.. working from home.. anxiety and depression keep me locked in. So yea. I surrender.

Then I digress.. I’ve only felt the spark once in my life. Love at first sight. In a passing glance at the casino one Saturday morning. He was at the black jack table, I stopped to light a cigarette, we made eye contact, and instantly I felt this electricity course through every atom of my being. There was an unexplainable familiarity in his blue eyes. Calling to me. It lasted about 3 seconds but felt like eternity. As I walked away, he held it until a machine came between us and broke the trance. I think about it from time to time.. how I had felt the past present and future all rolled into a passing glance. I wonder if he felt the same, if we’ll ever cross paths again. I’d like to think so. Even still, I’m just grateful for the experience.

Hmmmmm. Maybe another tomorrow?