Well, I've been battling my paranoia as of late. I noticed it gets stronger around my menstrual cycle, so I'm thinking it could be the imbalanced hormores or what not. But anyway, I just can't help get those negative thoughts out of my head. My sweetie pie hasn't had any dissociative episodes in two weeks, YAY!! I only say yay because that means we haven't argued in two weeks. The only thing is that despite having a two week good period this morning he woke up confused. Which I can always tell what's wrong because he'll text me weird and he'll text later than he normally does.
But anyway, with my paranoia I feel like I"m on a daily battle against myself. One minute, I'm wondering why he's texting me later in the mornings than he usually does then the other half of my brain is saying "don't worry, he's just sleeping in later because he's tired" then my mind tries to say don't be stupid he doesn't love you anymore and back and forth my mind goes. I sometimes notice that when I get like that I'll space out like my mind is actually stopping all functions just to argue with itself and I hate it. I feel almost like my mind is purposely trying to sabotage this relationship by throwing out all of the mental craziness to see if he gets turned off. I think subconsciously I do that as a process of elimination type of thing because even though I don't act half as crazy as I did with exes, when the slightest sign of insanity sent them running for the hills. So even though I have acted irrationally with my love and I apologize for it he says the way I act isn't even the slightest bit of crazy. I think he just appreciates the fact that I'll tell him if he wants he can have a drink with the guys (even though he hasn't gone in like, a couple of months) and (I think it's the cutest thing) if he gets off early from work, he'll actually have me call him just so he can ask if he can go to the gym which I'm all for because for one thing, it releases endorphins & creates a "natural high" so he'll be less likely to flip out over the smallest thing, and two because I love going to the gym myself so I encourage him to go when he wants to.
One thing I try telling myself is that even though we've been dating for a little over 5 months already, we have yet to have a sleep over at either person's place. With other relationships we were already sleeping over two weeks to a month into the relationship. With this one, I feel so different and in a positive way. It's like we're savoring the moments we spend together and working along the timeline that an ideal relationship should work. One thing I try t hold on to is that one conversation we had after Red Lobster (about getting married and starting our own family) and also the fact that we have a planned sleep over, which is next Friday. Also he's been texting me sweet things like he wish I would be waiting for him when he got home from work, he wish we could fall asleep together and what not. It's things like that that keep me sane. I try to tell myself that those are the things to dwell on, not the simple little miscues or things that may mean nothing that I'm making a big deal out of. I am happy to report that I am getting better at controlling it. I can calm myself down. The only thing that bothers me is that mentally i track how long it takes him to get home on average compared to how long he takes to text after he leaves the house. I hate that about myself, because I feel like I'm one of those paranoid girlfriends who watches every move. Oh wait, I am turning out ot be that way. haha, I'm just kidding.
Anywho, we are taking his son to the King William Fair tomorrow which should be loads of fun because I always have a great time with those two crazy guys! 😀 Have a Great weekend everyone!
