I am surprised and delighted at my life some days. To have stepped into the light of life, after having been in the dark for so long, there are serendipitous gifts that seem to appear on my door step every day. Life is delicious. I kind of feel sad it took me so long to taste anything but bitter and ash, but there really isn’t time to reflect on that too long. I know what the cave looks like. I spent a long time learning, seeing, smelling, tasting every inch of the dark experience.
Now that I am in the light though. WOW. How did I miss all of this stuff? You guys were holding out on me. Not really. I know who was holding out, and it wasn’t you.
It was my privilege to wake up dizzy and a little nauseated this morning. To pound out a few thoughts on the computer about my 4th of July and send it into the electron world, to jump up and down on the computer screens of the people I love, and remind them that life is wonderful.
I slipped into an inner world of odd dreams, thoughts and realizations. Kind of unhappy that I didn’t feel that well, and kind of ok with not feeling that well, because it would allow me to fall completely into that thinking place with , abandon.
I nodded off in my computer chair. The wife said things to me, and I gave answers, I think. There was music playing, and eventually I took my spinning head to the little bed that graces my office, cave. ( I can’t get completely out of caves}.
Some pink orange and red world grid rolled over me. I try to paint that world once in awhile. I don’t get it right completely, but I try. Things whirled and wheeled, came and went. Thoughts, ideas, conclusions, memories. There were flowers and butterflies, cats wander in and out at will. Cats pretend they aren’t interested, but they are accomplished liars. Good at appearing to be something they are not, I however, know what cats are up to. It is a secret I can’t share. Maybe when you have died, you will get to know. For now you will have to be tortured that the mystery of cats is safe with me.
Music floats in my brain, is my brain. The pink grid turns green and pulses at me as I stand next to it’s undulating presence on a soft gray wall. Little pictures, four by six are zipping along the grid at alarming speed. I pick one up, noting that the more I look into it the deeper the picture gets. I am in my mother’s living room in a house she hasn’t lived in for years. Rudy, her cat, nudges my hand from his perch atop the plant table in front of the window. It causes me to drop the picture and I am instantly back in the grid hall, watching pictures zipping down along the gray walls. How can I have looked in the picture and been in it at the same time? And where did it go?
I want to ask someone what is happening, but there is no one but me. My teeth begin a song in wonderful harmony. They sing better than I do. I am a little bit jealous, though most of my life I would not sing, because it was such a silly thing to do. It is a happy song, but with a slow refrain in a minor key. My fillings and crowns sing the sad part. The song is the same kind of up and down bounce that life gives us. Good and bad together. How weird that my teeth know the variance of life experience and that chocolate mystery of bitter and sweet being better than either alone. What am I thinking? If teeth know anything it is candy. At least my teeth.
A flow of green circles swim by, each giving me a kiss, like little girls, giggling as they do so. These kisses feel so good, I remind myself that I don’t kiss enough. They titter on up the aisle. I don’t know how long the kissing lasted, there were a lot of them, but it does not seem as if much time has passed. I wonder why they are green and the grid is green, just as it changes to a deep blood red color.
Christmas red and green, explode in my eyes. Gifts, gifts of life and love everyday. I vibrate red and then green along with grid the pictures and the gray wall. All of us vibrating, no, not vibrating, we are singing, every cell in my body sings, every cell of every thing, sings, all round me. It seems like vibration but it is a song.
I am flying into God, whatever he may be. I don’t know if I can stand this much feeling. It waves over and down me as if I am standing in a shower of hope and happiness. She is with me and I am perfectly loved and loving beyond my imagination. How can anything be this good. Extravagance. Gift. Gifted Giving. I am so loved, and so must love. As much as I am unsure I drink as fast as I can, wanting to take all this feeling in.
I don’t know anything and I know everything all at the same time. I am in and one, and out and all of everything, that is , has been through me in just one second.
You can have my heart to break, It is pretty darn tough nowadays. It has been stomped on a lot and like miracle vibro-flex glasses retains it’s shape and bounces back. So I hand it to anyone that I love, and find that I can love anyone who comes to me in the want of human desire asking, asking why are we here?
I am not perfect. Mistakes will happen. Occasionally my clod feet might bruise the blossoms of your garden, but love can fix them too. Life is wonderful. Why did I spend so much of it behind the door?
