Please don't bother reading this. This is an outlet for me to my ex. He'll never hear any of this nor will hopefully will this ever reach anyone who know's me IRL.
I miss you. Everything.
You'd be proud of me, I started putting the sweetner in my coffee before the milk so it dissolves first. I know you used to nag me about that a lot and one day I just noticed I was doing it like that. I admit I cried when I noticed.
I don't like coffee as much anymore without you. It doesn't taste as good unless I've made the pot for you and you're sipping it saying how fantastic the coffee is this morning.
I still have a hard time reaching some of my back in the shower and many a morning I wish you were there to get it for me like you used to sometimes. I miss how you'd smile at me when I'd complain about you getting the manly smelling body wash on me.
I miss dropping you off at work and getting a kiss goodbye every morning without fail even if you were mad at me. I miss how you'd walk into the building without looking back, not knowing I was watching you go.
I miss calling you on my lunch break at work and you telling me how pointless it was for me to call because I didn't have anything to say. I miss your voice. I miss hearing you smile at me through the phone.
I miss getting home from work to you in one of two moods. Happy and with a tastie dinner. Or down and on the computer. I miss your cheerfulness and how it almost balanced out my crankiness. I miss playing games with you. I don't play them much anymore. They've kind of lost all their fun without you in them.
I miss snuggling you and watching a movie or Dr. Who. I miss the feeling that I'd get when your arms were around me. Even if you were angry you'd still snuggle me if it was a scary movie and I knew it would be ok.
I miss you when I have nightmares and I can't snuggle you tight. I miss you telling me that everything is ok when you're half asleep and won't remember it in the morning.
I miss you talking about everything that interests you. The games, the strange computer things I'll never understand. Even the chemistry and physics behind cooking seemed interesting if you were talking about it! I remember you tried to explain how 3D works with polarized light to me once. Not only did I understand but I found it interested because it was you.
I miss how much you loved my dog and how much she still loves you. I miss waking up to "DAMNIT BAILEY I CAN'T BREATH!" as she'd try to smother you in attempts to get more kisses. I miss how you'd look at her in that way and say "Bailey!" and she'd walk right over to her dinner and eat regardless of if she wanted it or not.
I miss your adorable dimpley smile and messy morning hair.
I'm sorry I smothered you with my feelings, I know they overwhelm people so easily. I never meant to repress you into a little cornered box and keep you there with I guess what felt like emotional blackmail to you, but was just me trying to express my feelings. I'm sorry I never understood you and that I can't be the positive person you would like me to be. I wish I could have made things work out for us because I really felt that "Us" was worth it.