Thank God i return to work tomorrow.  Its been a month and I cant wait to begin teaching my summercamp art classes…I need this structure.  there is too much time to think about how dissappointing my personal life has been.  I expected things to get a hell of a lot better come summertime but eveidently I was mistaken.

Im in pain right now.  i have been in pain every single day..me and pain go way back. we are old homies. It holds me back, but its physical.  i would rather be more emotionally healthy than physically.  living alone was supposed to be awesome, and dont get me wrong, it is, but the only reason i live alone is because i get along with nobody, not even myself.  been feeling like my friends are sick of me, except for 2, adn they probably have issues with me too.  Im socially paranoid, thinking everyone judges me negatively, (everyone being friends and romantic interests)

i have been getting green light signals from a girl im pretty crazy about, and these signals are coming from email correspondence and video chatting since she is on an internship in Mexico. She is a crush from the past that never came to fruition, difference between this crush and other former crushes is that back then, she had it big for me too.  so we caht or email daily.  I think i leaked too much information saying that im ready for her, and  some newness in my life, to which she replied that she doesnt know if she is ready for me. at least shes being honest.  It sucks not knowing why people stand where they do or what kind of baggage or competition i am facing.  i just want to give up even though she says she likes me and wants to take it slow.

I have been out of the dating scene for 2 years with the exception of a month fling with a girl that broke my heart.  theres more to it than that month though,, wed been close for over a year befor we decided to get together, and after a month she just dropped off the face of my map with no explanation and i havent spoken to her since january.

I am ready for newness! Everyone says someone will come to you when you least expect it….well the last thing i expected was to rekindle an old crush from 5 years ago….and now it seems before we even have a chance to reunite that im blowing it already…maybe i need to keep my feelings to myself, and play this game better.   Or do i stop trying with her, and go back to ground zero where ill find love by accident again?  Hard to get? do i have to go there?