I miss the army terribly. Its ridiculous because my experiences in the army brought about this panic disorder. Still I miss it. Everything made sense. I loved my comrades. It felt like a real family and not like the mess that is/was my real family. I hate my current job. Everything is so petty and overly dramatized. There is no substance to it, no real mission or sense of purpose, just rebuke and chastizement all the time. I was never scolded in the army. I always did what was expected of me and I was much better at it than I am at my current job. I loved my platoon leader. He was such a good man who set such an excellent personal example. I find it impossible to have any respect for my superiors at work. They are so incompetent and compensate for it by being hypercritical and meddlesome.

I miss the days when things made sense, when my life had a purpose, when I felt that I was part of something. Now I'm just on the outside and really have no desire to belong. Like a little child and his/her comfort blanket I sleep in my army sleeping bag when its cold. Its comforting. Looking at my old fatigues actually gives me a good feeling. I wear my field jacket all winter. Yeah, I've become like one of those Vietnam vets that are so often the object of pathetic ridicule in movies.

I wish that I had never been hurt and been discharged. I really believe that if I hadn't been whisked off to Germany a day afterwards and separated from all my friends so quickly I could have learned to cope with the bad memories of that day. But that's just wishing for something that didn't happen.