Why do I go by Tink?? Well I’m very much like her and most fairies, what every emotion I am feeling it consumes me entirely. For an example, if I am angry I feel burning hot red, consumed with rage; if I am happy, I am sunshine from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, huge smile on my face dimples showing glowing happy eyes. But when I’m sad/down, you might as well picture a cloud of doom hanging over my head fallowing me around dark dark dark, on the verge of tears or as numb as numb can get.
Recently ive had spinal surgery on my neck. They took out 2 discs and removed a lot of excess bone and calcification that was choking out my spinal cord. It was a very invasive and serious surgery that went pretty well but has left me in a hard collar for 6 weeks. I can not do many things on my own , so I am at my parents recovering. Washing up in the morning exhausts me , walking around the house takes a lot of effort, even visiting with family ( I smile and act like im doing well, but im exhausted and in pain). I have a puppy and because of my surgery I cant be around him alone or walk him because he could seriously hurt me. That is another reason I am at my parents house and not at home with my boyfriend and roommate. Every day I am a little better, baby steps which I need to keep reminding myself.
I am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, first I feel like a 5 year old unable to cook or really dress myself, I cant drive or be independent and im away from my boyfriend and puppy. Granted he is only about 10 minutes away so its not horrible. Now let me give you a little background story before I go on. I have known my boyfriend and have been best friends with him for about 17 years and we have been dating for about 3. He’s been around through all my pain and struggles, he even took me to the hospital this summer when I got so bad. This all led to me finally seeing a neurologist which led to my surgeon. It took months of fighting to get my insurance to approve it as well as surgical dates changed. Finally I got my date so I worked more and planned my savings since I wouldn’t be working. We talked about that after math of my surgery, how I had 2 months rent and bills saved so that not a big deal, we talked about how he would have to care for the dog (normally im the one to take him out most of the day,im the one to play with him and walk him and love on him until he comes home at night). I told him if he needed help with our pup id get friends to help. He assured me that he would be fine and that he would come over every night if he was able to.
Here comes the another reason I am having some “issues” , My Boyfriend was amazing before the surgery keeping my stress down and he was amazing the day of the surgery and the few after. Then those days of seeing each other seemed to stretch out, on the nights I would see him I didn’t want to complain about my pain or anything. I knew he was tired and stressed and I was just plain happy to see him. He thinks im healing a lot faster than I am. It has been 2 weeks since my surgery, yes I can walk around better but I still sleep most of the day and have trouble with a lot of things. He only sees me for a few hours. He acts like the whole world is on his shoulders, but in truth it is on mine. Im the one who has a broken neck and crazy painful muscle spasms all day, whos lonely and who has to worry about healing faster and doing better so hes not so stressed. If the role were reversed id be over every night no matter how tired I was, id never complain about our dog because truthfully hes amazing he just wants to play. Yes he may be tired but how hard is it play with this amazing creature for 15-20 minutes when you get home. He doesn’t understand why im not back at our house. He works Monday- Friday and has the weekends off. Well lets see im not home because I can’t be alone, I cant take care of myself yet and I am not aloud to be alone with my puppy. And if I did come home during the weekends I couldn’t stay the night. It is so difficult to sleep with this pain and this damn neck collar I need 5 pillows to be comfortable to sleep. Where would he sleep? He moves and flails in his sleep, if there were room for him he could hurt me? So ok ill come during the days we will spend time together and ill go back to my parents to sleep. But hes mad at me!!
I saw my surgeon she said im doing very good for 2 weeks and after begging her to let me return to work with a list of limitations shes allowing me 2. Im going back early so that money wont be such a stress for us. Once again, im over doing myself to help de-stress my boyfriend. Why am I worrying about him so much trying to make him feel better… well I wear my heart on my sleeve and I try to please everyone. So now that I have the ok to work of course that doesn’t please him, it enrages him that im not home. If you can work you can come home. No I cant!! Are you going to drive me to and from work.. are you going to help me get ready for work? Are you going to help me throughout the day? Are you going to sleep somewhere else? I feel like I can not do anything right.. I feel like im burdening him because this isn’t going back to normal fast enough. But the sad thing is he knew it would be at least 6 weeks of healing.. I should be relaxing, I should be stress free, I should not have a worry in the world.. this is ridiculous.
And to make things even worse… I am keeping something huge from him because I don’t want to burden him with anything else. Burden him!! Really I shouldn’t feel that way at all why am I walking on egg shells for him … he should be holding my hand. He should be supporting me. But instead of holding on to all of this I will tell you…
Ive had a best friend a almost sister lets call her” T”. T has had a rough life… I met her at my old job and weve been soul sisters ever since. I used to drive her to and from work. I taught her how to drive and took her to her driving test 6+ times until she passed. I have been there for every break down. I picked her up whenever she needed to get away from her boyfriend. I offered her a place to leave when she was finally going to leave him. Ive always been there at a drop of a hat, to pick up the phone in the middle of the night. I even got her a job at the place I work. To help her grow and do better, somewhere she can actually move up in the company if she wanted to. I helped her study and do really well there. I bend over backwards for her over and over because that’s what you do for your friends. Well, for weeks before my surgery I would ask to hang out because I am stressed out and emotional and it never happened.. why you say, well things with her boyfriend and his family and great now!! But at work she would me nice and tell me things were going to be ok. One day I got overloaded emotionally and vented to another friend about my frustrations with her and her bf and her life and how ive always been there for her and the one time I need her she is no where to be found. I guess word got around and she got mad at me I didn’t even know. Then I had my surgery.. I hear nothing from her that day.. or the next.. finally a week passes so I message her a big text about how hurt I was, how I needed her support and companionship. And of course she turns it around about her telling me im a horrible person, that she would never hurt me!! She did hurt me so much worse then a stupid venting session.. she wasn’t there and she still isn’t here. She hasn’t checked in on me or anything. She tells me basically our friendship is over.. she was family for 6+ years and the one time I truly need her she dumps me like nothingT . Ive never asked her for anything!! And because im walking on egg shells around my boyfriends feelings he doesn’t even know about this. Plus if I told him he would probably say “ I told you so” and that is the last thing I need.
So im stuck in limbo at my parents with no best friend to talk to about all of this.. a boyfriend who is so angry that “needs time to cool off” because im not home yet and has so much on his mind he is going to expload.. needs his space .. so I cant even talk to him.. after 17 years in each others lives really!!
I NEED SUPPORT, I NEED PATIENCE, I NEED POSITIVE THOUGHTS IN MY LIFE, I NEED LOVE!!
I am beyond emotionally hijacked I don’t know where to start..i feel like a puzzle .. its pieces falling apart
if you have read this.. thank you!! If you could respond with anything positive advice.. support anything I would appreciated it greatly..