Here I am again, another downward spiral.

Once again I have been shunned by family. I have always lived alone but somehow lately I have needed the company of others to feel ok. Its times like these that I turn to my family but for some reason the one's that I have left are absorbed in themselves (don't get me wrong. that's ok I understand that) and I am not included, yet they make comments like why didn't you come. I probably would if I knew something was on. Last week there was a gathering of several families that the children all grew up together and are all now parents themselves. I know them all and have been like family also with these people. My neice asked me to go. The next day I asked my sister where the function ( BBQ) was on and was told that I am not part of the group and that I was not invited and that my neice should never have asked me. (WOW did that feel great) She also said please dont be hurt. (How could I not)

I can also now feel my friends raising their eyebrows because I am ringing or texting them all the time,I think too much. I am sitting here once again and I vowed never to get into this position again, looking at dog hair on the carpet and knowing that there are two lots of ironing in the back room to be doneyet I sit here thinking later I'll get up. Yesterday I actually returned to bed fully dressed 2 hours after getting up,and slept for another five hours. (after a good cry)

Work is getting frustrating with everyone bitching about each other, we are nurses and of course the crappy feeling reflects onto our patients. This makes the day alot harder because then they are in foul moods too. I just want to go to work, make someone feel happy and in less pain hopefully so they can have a good day too. I have just been off work for 9 weeks after an operation when I only should have had three. And unfortunately I got used to retirement (so to speak). The five weeks without pay put a dent on my vacation money but it had to be done, and I am much much better now.

Tomorrow I see my Psyhchologist and Psychiatrist (they are father and daughter across the hall from each other) I really need to stop putting on the happy face again and tell her what is going on and how I am feeling. Sometimes I find it very hard to be honest and I show theI'm strong and can handle anythingface.

Oh well as usual the story stays the same, just the date changes.