never a good combination. particularly the last month and a half, which oddly enough coinsides with my new relationship. I'm getting more and more tightlywound up about my sleep pattern – or lack of! i had my first appointment with physchologist on monday, and saw my therapist this morning (tuesday) and im seeing my doctor, i'm thankful for all their help. but my emotions feel like they've been scraped at so hard, two days in a row. i just got home froma friends house, i was able to act normal around the guests there but broke down when i saw in my car shivvering. i sat there for about 5 minutes before getting out to start de-icing it. by which time everyone else had gone. i was shouting and crying at myself hysterically all the way home, cleaned myself up to enter my house, made 2moros lunch for work and now im in my room i've just started crying again. i've got a massive urge to cut myself really deep!! i need to see real blood! i want a friend who i can talk to :'( i feel so god damn fragile. also the thought of christmas is making me anxious. and new year. so much pressure to get things right, and do right by my peers. i'd rather sit in my room and ignore it. had a reunion catch up with an old friend today..it was nice to see her again. we haven't spoken for 3 years! we had a big fall out over a guy (my ex) and now we've split up and i'm seeing matt, (her best friend) i feel like i've let her down and need to see her. i wasn't able to relax today. sadly. i went to the gym and did my anger management work-out, spin on the bike for 30 minutes. interval running and weights. i also met up with an elderly friend after my therapy this morning, we just went for a coffee and ended up chatting about some of my relationship issues! i think it shocked her to hear my family are splitting up over christmas again. and she told me the only reason my mum was staying behind this year was to care for me. ina way this makes me angry coz its obvious she doesn't trust me. but in another way im trying to see it as a positive, somebody 'will' be there if i need her.

enough for now :'( im getting over emotional.