On February 2nd I am going to go see my kids for the first time in almost 12 years. My daughter is getting married on the 5th.  
     I found my kids on My Space 3 months ago. My son doesn’t talk to me. He says he doesn’t hate me he just doesn’t know how to express what is on his heart. I accept that. In his shoes, I would actually hate me. He is the older of the two. He has memories I’m sure. My daughter and I talk and e-mail all the time. I’ve talked to my ex-husband once too. He is happy about the contact but a bit apprehensive I’m sure. Said I could come up any time. I’m in southern CA. they are in northern CA.
     Now that it is actually happening, I sometimes wish I hadn’t found them so soon. I’m only on my 4th step and there is a lot of wreckage there with my ex and my children. At the same time, I’ve missed them so much. I went looking for them because it was what I wanted. I didn’t stop and play the tape through and now….
     I have a level head on my shoulders. My view on life is very, very good. As far as how our separation happened, I may not agree with how my husband did what he did, but he did the right thing in taking them away. I let it go a long time ago.
     At the same time, I will be seeing his whole family (because of the wedding) for the first time in 12 years. So on top of my emotions will be reactions and emotions from his brothers and sisters and his parents at the same time. Thank God for hotel rooms and meetings to run to if I need to!!! I will also have a phone and know how to use it!!!
     I just had to get this out of my head. I’m calmer now. My brain isn’t going a mile a minute anymore so… THANK YOU FOR BEING PART OF MY RECOVERY!!

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