Today… after two and half months of tears, broken promises, and a rapid downward spiral, I told my boyfriend that he has a legitimate drinking problem and he needed help. I made a very conscious effort to be kind, non-judgmental, and relatively detached as I discussed this with him- but I also told him that if he felt he did not have a problem, I could no longer be part of his life… because the consequences of his drinking are destroying himself and our relationship. I told him I loved him for the person he is and I don't want to have to walk away from our relationship (as we were, at one time, so very happy)- but that his recent behaviors and choices have resulted in him treating me very badly and hurting me repeatedly.
I feel so alone in this. I hate that he is not in a position to see where I'm coming from. He was defensive with me (which I expected) and told me he doesn't have a drinking problem… that no one else has said shit to him about it. I told him that that's because no one else is in my shoes. No one else is let down or hurt the way I am. No one else sees him the way I do- or is involved with him the way I am. Everyone else just thinks he's charming when he's drinking. But for me… I am "the other woman" when it comes to his drinking. He will pick alcohol over me… every time (it wasn't always this way). He gets so drunk he is incapable of feeling anything let alone remembering that I exist or that my feelings should matter. He keeps me waiting for hours on end… and then never shows because he is too drunk and ends up home passed out on the couch. I've spent countless sleepless nights worried sick that he got hurt going home or that he just isn't ok in general. I am a bar manager and he works next to at a music venue- he has humiliated me at my job on several occasions by drinking to the point where he is incoherent, falling over, and incapable of walking. There is no stopping point for him… enough is never enough. Our relationship- which was, at one time, very stable and honest, is all but in shambles because I am constantly afraid of being let down and hurt. He apologizes for his behavior in the next day and says he feels bad about it. He says I am more important and he wants things to be ok. Two days later… he goes out and gets wasted and hurts me all over again. It is a vicious cycle and the truth is- I love him too much to watch this toxic behavior continue.
I've had to make the extremely painful decision to distance myself from him and hope and pray that eventually… things will be ok (though I am not disillusioned by the reality of our situation). He was not receptive to my opinions about his drinking… he said I was wrong and that right now "being a fuck up is fun"- and not considering my feelings is just a reality of his choices. I do not want to abandon him as I know he is suffering emotionally… but I also refuse to live in a situation I know isn't right/healthy. It's very, very hard for me to not internalize or take his words personally. He is VERY good at acting like he doesn't care or is completely indifferent in regards to whether or not I am even around and that hurts me. I am hoping to find a community of people who identify with my struggle and who I can connect with so we can all support one another through these struggles in life.
More than anything… I need to heal and be reminded that all of this is not my fault… and a lot of what he is saying is being triggered by his addiction- not the man I fell in love with. And that's really, really hard.