My mom and I went out to have breakfast today ~ she turns 61 years young!
As we were eating, the conversation began about my cousin. I expressed how I could not understand how my cousin would still want that loser back. My mom said it took all her strength not to tell him off when she spoke to him but in the back of her mind, she kept thinking it wasn't her decision to make, it was theirs. I told her I was very surprised but impressed how she didn't tell him off because she's very vocal when someone hurts any family member. She smiled and said no one likes to hear the truth.No matter who it's from family or friends, the truth always hurts. What threw me back was when she said, "It still hurts me when I hear anyone make a comment about you being gay. Even when it's among family,it hurts to hear that." I looked at her. She didn't make any eye contact with me.
I seriously thought she was ok with me being gay. I mean, I came out to her when I was twenty.She'd go out with me to the gay bars.Back when I had friends, she's go out with the group of people I'd hang out with.Everyone loved her.
I guess, my mom is a lot like me…or I'm a lot like my mom. We put on a good front. Act as if everything is ok and we're good at masking the hurt we truly feel. When I told her I was gay, she cried.Three years later,I had the painful task of telling her I was positive. She broke down tearfully in my arms.
Now, 21 years later, seems she's still carrying that pain. One thing I will NEVER say to my mom is that I've always felt like a disappointment to her.
Maybe that's how she is with me…she'll NEVER tell me straight out how hurt she is….or how hurt she has been after all these years.
Ehhh…I'm reading way too much into this and I don't want to turn into a whiny, blubbering idiot soo, I just had to type out some of my thoughts. Now that I got some of this out of my system, time to get my mind off this and do some major house cleaning!