not sure why i'm doing this…had a HORRIBLE morning.  it started out ok until my boss spewed all kinds of vitriolic, toxic emotional garbage my way.  i felt so dirty after he finished talking to me, like i needed to go shower.  he's got to be a very miserable person; i KNOW you cannot talk to people the way he spoke to me this morning….and be happy, joyous & free.  i try to remember that & i kept my head up & finished what i had to do at the office & THEN LEFT.  i'm starting to think that particular work environment is too toxic & i need to make a change.  the guy acts like he's bipolar and NOT on meds.  i don't mean any disrespect to those with bipolar.  i myself have major depression & do take medication.  i felt a little better when i got home tonight & cursed him & the office manager out (while alone in my bedroom).  i am a Christian, but you know what???  i'm really angry & disgusted about what he said this morning…..that he's given me so many "last chances".  i don't even know what he's talking about.  if anything, i'm the one who has stuck it out there despite the garbage.  the office manager is a devious, hateful b_ _ _ h; he's a man but acts like the most meddlesome, nitpicky old bitty there ever was.  whoever is reading this, i am sorry for sounding so bitter.  i've been holding this stuff in all day, work in an er at night & can't really vent there!  please keep me (lisa) in your prayers.  i've been battling depression for a LONG time & although i am not having suicidal thoughts, i really would prefer to not be here at the moment.  sometimes i wonder what God wants from me.  even ON medication, i'm still severely depressed.  sometimes i feel like i'm useless….like i don't matter.  i'm just really physically & overall tired.  if it weren't for my son, i don't think i would want to go on.  the only reason i don't end it all is because i don't want to go to hell when i die, with my luck i would probably survive & be somehow immobile (AND BE AWARE OF THE FACT).  really, i don't mean to take God's grace for granted.  i guess He wants me here for a reason…maybe it's just to be here for my son.  i'm really struggling.

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