First off I wish the powers that be for this site would create a much more extensive list of feelings. I can almost never find the one that fits. I suppose after enough searching for the right one I could qualify as frustrated
This past week-end incuded family day. While its always nice to have a stat holiday, I think its pretty sad when our government has to declare a national holiday and shut the country down to encourage families to spend time together.None the less a long week-end. My kids spent the extra day with thier dad so two lonely nights for me. …. and my cable went out, so no tv to destract the mind. Proud to say Ive come through unscaved but not without temptation. The first 24 hours was the hardest. Missing my guy incredibly. Not hearing from him for most of the next day started my mind on a speedway of negative thinking. Emotions grew and the fear of …well everything, began to culminate. It never ceases to amaze me how easily and freaquent that bloody little addict in my head nags me. "just have a drink and you'll feel better' 'just pick up a small bottle and it wont hurt" I DONT WANT THE DAMN DRINK! And yet it continues to nag. I embraced the quiet of the second night slightly better,I think somewhat encouraged that I had held my ground…. I am only recently learning to be proud of myself. After years of guilt and shame, pride doesnt come easy. But even today, a much better day — a visit from my kids, some time wih my guy ( as much as I embrace this it still hurts that Im not free to love him the way I want) and a great deal on some home gym equipment, but the pesky little nag was still there. All of these sober addicts I heard from in recovery were so happy and possitive. I thought sobriety would be easy. Its a lot of f@kn work!! But tonight Im proud. Thats three more just for todays that I can mark off my calander. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for all my babies who I was so happy to welcome home. I am thankful that the love of my life is still a part of it. So many reasons to stay sober. …but I still maintain that addiction is not fair. I may never let that one go. Not feeling sorry for myself. Just pissed off at the whole situation. Perhaps I should be thankful for that too since I fight more intensely when In pissed off!