Saturday 13th 4:23pm
I am honestly sick of this HOUSE!! OMFG! i’m sick of not being able to do what I want, when I want. I don’t have privacy at all. My sister, as much as I love her, she pisses me off to no end. I’m so angry and there is nothing I can do. I feel like just screaming and running outside into the rain. I don’t even care. I don’t care about anything right now. What triggerd this madness?! Me playing the Wii, playing a game, my sister in her room reading a book. Me having an ok time, keeps my mind busy and all that. She comes out, just to tell me that i’m playing her saved file. Thats it. I told her well then she can play it, and I threw the remote at her legs as I was sitting down on the floor. I told her that I wont play anything then. So I turned off the game and went back to the solitude of my room. Back to reality. Back to my head. I’m safe in my head. NO one can get me there. I just have to suvive the thoughts.
I’m sick of being on a knifes edge. Just one thing can tip me one way or the other. Its crazy…. I’m crazy. I wish I had some normal reactions.Just once. that would be nice.
Saturday 13th 6:44pm
I just deliberatly burnt myself on my hair straightner. The feelings of wanting to hurt myself were too strong and I couldn’t resist anymore. I straightned my hair at the same time, so it could actually look like an accident. Then I put my fingers inside the clamp and just pushed my fingers onto the top part.
I like burning myself rather than cutting, I can feel the pain for longer. the burning sensation doesn’t fade for a long time.
What triggerd this? myself.. thinking how discusting I am, how much time of drs and nurses I wasted while in hospital, me not telling the truth about some things to make it sound better than it is. The pills not working to tame these thoughts.. the list goes on and on. It never ends.
Even typing this now is hurting my fingers. I burn the index and 4th finger on my left hand. I think its going to blister. I’m not sure. The straighner is set at hightest temp which is 230c so it should do something.