I woke early without stress yet have spent the majority of the day asleep on the sofa in front of the TV. I had plans, lots to do, but accomplished nothing. I feel so disappointed in myself. I feel so angry with my body, that it needs so much rest, that I lack motivation at times. My ability to function is so ad hoc it makes working hard which is one of the reasons I am currently signed off. I hate being this way. Today I feel particularly numb. I feel saddened that I no longer feel true joy or excitement. I keep in mind the song ‘Nothing Compares to you’ by Sinead O’Conner, particularly the line ‘girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do’. Should be easy to have fun but when you don’t enjoy anything it really isn’t easy at all! I hate being this way and I just want it to stop. I find it weird that I had a bad start to my day yesterday but turned the day around to be really productive whereas today’s positive start has totally fallen by the wayside.
I need to contact my consultant at the hospital but keep putting things like this off because it is so hard to get appointments with medical professionals – even when you’ve been told you need them! Every day is a struggle so I rarely have the desire to chase appointments, it uses the little energy I have and makes me so frustrated that these professionals, who specialise in this area and should understand how difficult it is to function each and every day, should make getting an appointment so difficult.
I am just finding life so tough that I would rather hide from it than face the issues any longer. I have been having to face issues my entire life and I just want it all to stop now, I have had enough. I dream of running away from it all, living a really simple life in a relaxed and sunny place somewhere, unfortunately I’m tied to this soul sucking country until my children have completed their educations at least.