Yep. So – I need to always remember that words can hurt and that what people say can have a big affect. Truth of the matter is that I can be ready to pour out my heart and a word – a look – a comment – can make me stop on a dime. I won't tell you anymore how I feel. I won't let you in. And it's probably because of some small thing that you said that led me to believe that what I have to say does not matter to you.
And for some reason – if it doesn't matter to the person I am talking to – then it also feels like it matters less to me. And I start to wonder why I said anything at all.
Sometimes I honestly think everything would be easier if I just left. They could find someone to do my job – hopefully someone who can do it better then me. Eric would find a wife who doesn't feel like crap half the time (or more). The kids would be ok – they are wonderful kids. As for what would happen to me – who cares really. Maybe I can just go get locked up in a medical facility somewhere and be a lab rat in exchange for free room and board. Then no one would have to worry about my feelings – feelings I don't even really understand myself.
I was asked to consider what is going through my mind when I can see people approaching that I don't want to touch me. All I can see in the last week is just the feeling of not wanting to be touched. It almost feels like it is going to hurt if I let whoever is approaching touch me. It's hot – it's uncomfortable – and I don't want it. I don't know if there is emotion attached because I honestly have not felt it. It's just a huge desire to not be touched.
And what kind of person does this make me really?
I think about the girl I know who recently passed away. No one expected it. We all thought she was going through a crazy spell again. Truth was – her heart was failing and she was not getting enough oxygen – so yeah – some of the things she said was a little crazy. But her death came out of the blue. I didn't expect it to affect me really. But it has – I think about her a lot. I think I failed her to an extent. I will always wish that I had been a better friend to her. But what she taught me was to not judge the book by the cover.
So what does this mean as applied to me? I know how she saw me. I admire that because she never hid how she felt about people. She called me "Mama Bear". She told me that she had always seen in me a desire to protect, help, and care for other people but now that I had "cubs" it was more pronounced. She told me I have a kind heart and I deserved to be happy. Hopefully – someday I will be Ms. Erin. Just not sure how to get there.
I want to live this life. I have what I have and I am who I am. I want to be a me that other people can be proud of. I used to think it meant reaching a status or being a certain way – but someone important to me told me to just "be the best me I can be". I like that a lot and wish I could accept it as truth.
The same friend sent me something today. It said "I choose happy." Can things be that simple? Just to choose to be happy? Can I go home tonight with my husband and kids and say I want to throw this other stuff away and just choose to be happy right now?
I really want to know how normal people make it day to day. Do they worry about this stuff? Do they keep looking over their shoulder to see if there is anything ugly following them?