I hate this feeling, i’m scared of myself and my own emotions and until I find meds that "suit" me i’m stuck. I don’t know how I’ll feel from one second to the next. My moods are erratic and pointless.
I can’t explain why I’m irritated one minute and giggling the next. I don’t understand why I have this massive fear of being abondoned or why i used to cling on to bad relationships and I don’t understand the good ones.
I feel so frustrated in my own mind and I just want to escape it. I keep thinking or doing things and wondering is this me or my BPD? Then I realise, it is me. It’s living in mind and I can’t get it out. I feel like I’m stuck in a whirpool and I try to claw my way out but no matter what I try I’m stuck.
Sometimes a hand will try and pull me out a glint of hope but then it disserperes and fades into the distance. I’m not stupid either, my I.Q is 125 and I know I have the brains to do something with my life, i just don’t have the energy.
I can’t hold down a job and I believe i’ll fail so much at college I keep dropping out. But next year I am meant to be starting a bussiness admin and retail course so hopfully it’ll be something I’ll stick to.
The only person in this world that I know I could trut with y life and soul is my Nan, she raised me with all the kindness and morals I have. She has made me the woman I am. But I can’t talk to her about it because she doesn’t understand mental illness, it wasn’t heard of when she was young.
I was reading up on BPD a few months back, most people diagnosed are women and quite a few will commit suicide.
It;s scary like a monster living in my mind that won’t go away. I want to be free from these four walls, from the prison in my mind.