I hate New Years. It's bad, but even worse when for 4 years straight you've been missing the same person who doesn't give a good goddamn about you. But by some weird stroke of luck last New Years was actually fun, mainly because Mariya decided to show up and put on a traditional Russian celebration for me and my family. That's fun no matter how depressed you are, lol.

But this year she has disappeared again, selfishly as she is known to do. And I don't even have a date. Not even from a personals ad! The guy last year was a bit of a jerk, but at least I had someone to kiss at Midnight.

I am trying to stay positive, but it's hard. I fought with Mom today but she's being a little nicer now. I am going to make some PF Changs for New Years to keep busy and J might come over. Not what I wanted, but better than nothing despite his grumpiness. He is always tired and cranky now, no fun anymore, I refuse to get like that no matter how old I get, I will not be no fun.

On FB I noticed that some of the theater people did indeed add me when I requested them and I was surprised. Some of them took Kyle's side when we broke up or should I say when HE dumped ME. Particularly the twins. They didn't believe me when I told them what Kyle said about them behind their backs. Everyone thought Kyle was so perfect and I was the crazy one. It takes two. Kyle was a baby thenand obviously lost at the time, (which is the onlywayanyone would date me, especially anyone cute).But that was 4 years ago and now I guess he's all that, he's the shit, and why not? He looks like Robert Pattinson, actually he's much cuter so of course he thinks he's God– men think that anyway even when they're not good looking.

So yeah I hope he at least read the letter, so at least he knows I love him and I don't have to carry that burden anymore. Of course I will always carry it and be completely miserable, but I felt I had to let him know how I feel. But nothing. No texts nothing. I know I did the wrong thing letting him know because we can never be friends now, but there it is.

So I am sweating and wide awake after being exhausted allll day. I wanted to go to bed and sleep but now that it's bedtime I'm wide awake. My parents never understand that and I don't really either since I am tired and need sleep I don't know why I can't just go to bed.

I am trying not to get morbidly depressed thinking of what a horrible year this has been. And how no one wants to spend their special night with me, except for grumpy J who is just doing it for the free food. So yeah, I'm trying. And I don't know how much more I can.