My family dog died today. It threw a wrench in my day.

I bounce up and down, sometimes feeling really great about myself, other times feeling like I'm the worst person in the world. I don't think it would matter what I do with my life. I think I will always be like this. The idea of finding someone, settling and being happy all the time is just not realistic.

This post is really about my ex. When things happen to me, when something goes wrong, I want to call him. I can't remember if I've posted about what actually happened, which threw me into the depths of anxiety and emotional instability, but it all ties back to him. It's crazy how I link anything that goes wrong in my life to him. Like my dog dying.

I have a boyfriend who I called today to talk about how I was feeling. He was supportive and said all the right things. He encouraged me to get on with my work and to call him if I needed any more help. I could call him, but I don't think that I can explain what I am explaining here in words. If I told him about the urge to call the ex, I would hurt him. I don't like hurting him, but he gets really sensitive (understandably) if I bring up my ex at all. And I should be over it by now. It's been almost two years since the shit hit the fan in that relationship and I was at my worst.

But often, when I speak with my current boyfriend about these things, I end the conversation somewhat unfulfilled, and wanting more.

I feel like I need an immediate answer. Is this normal? I am in love with a great guy. But my mind isn't letting me let go of my ex.

I remember, two years ago, that Iwantedvengence for what my ex did to me. Everyone told me not to do that, that I would regret it. But now, I imagine him, not necessarily happy, but going about his life with no consequences for what he did. Andin a way, I think I do regret not getting back at him for hurting me.

I think of him with disgust now. But a part of me wants to talk to him when things aren't going well. And I worry that this will interfere with my current relationship. I'm worried that somehow my mind is preventing me from having the relationship I want, with the man I want, because of scars of the past.